Hah!

what was i thinking? asking for an extended Christmas break as gift... this lot of work in such a limited time is the gift. There is so much to be thankful for, and one of them is this whole lot of work. Because of this, there are more opportunities to grow in virtue, to make the day worthy as my gift to Him --- to give Him the gift, and not to ask for the gift. And even in the intention of giving Him this day, His generosity can never be outdone.

---

Every day is a day of uncertainty --- not knowing if things will go well as i hoped for, not knowing if people will do well as i wished they will, not knowing if i'll be prepared for whatever changes, criticisms, uncalled for events that might happen. But amidst this uncertainty, there is only that trust which i can hold on to, and that hope so i may carry on, because there will never be really that certainty until the moment comes, and until it becomes part of the past.

To get through the day will be like a blind man walking - to walk with no certainty, but with faith. to know nothing of what's ahead, and just walk one step at a time. No need to hurry, because to run ahead of time will lose you the minutes of your life. But there's no room for idle work either, because like a train, time will leave you. It will go on as it pleases, but always in a constant motion.

One has to learn to dance with time, dance in the rhythm of its motion, so you will never be out of time. One's rhythm of time may be different from another's rhythm - and so it's possible that the two may never find the time to be together, but if the rhythm permits, there can be that harmony like the one of a piano piece. It can be a sonata in major C, that of the joyous moments one has with another, but it may also be that intermezzo in minor A, that of the sad times one encounters. Each note has to be played to truly complete the piece. And if the notes will have to require you to run so fast, don't worry, there are rests; make good use of them. You can always run ahead of time, but remember there will always be that final barline, when one has to stop, and the music has ended.

oh dear...

Merry Christmas pa diba? hmm. Maligayang Pasko pa ba, o maligayang pasok na? teka hindi pa. may isang linggo pa. natataranta ako. pwede pa-extend ng Christmas break? please? oo na, hindi pwede. humingang malalim at harapin ang realidad. Pasukan na uli.

at dahil ang dami kong iniisip at kelangang gawin, gagawin ko munang planner ang entry na 'to. ang gulo-gulo na talaga ng utak ko. Lord, help...

dec.26 - tita's house
- e-mail speaker for cwts
- watch dvd movies!

dec.27 - Christmas Party for the Kids
- Finalize hand-out for Psych115
-start on creative layout
dec.28 - interview
- hand-out for 115
dec.29 - finish hand-out for 115
dec.30 - grocery
dec.31 - Cook!
jan.1 - happy new year!
jan.2 - last day ng break!
- and i'm doing my cwts paper! :|
jan.3 - submission of cwts paper
jan.4 - Bio day again.
jan.5 - Report for 115
- leave for tagaytay trip
jan.6 - facilitate in the pisay retreat

wow. I want an extended Christmas Break as gift for Christmas please?

thank you

You were there all along.
thanks.

this isn't enough... but nothing will ever be enough.
i can never be enough, if not through you.

it was painful for me to be witnessing these things before my very eyes.
but i couldn't do much.
even as i try to avoid seeing what's going on
and as much as i preoccupy my mind with something else
the very lines i hate to hear are the only words that get through me.
this isn't how things really are, is it?
it was surreal.
like it was created by an impressionist painter.
that brief moment captured and preserved in a canvas
that sketchy style with no abstraction nor distortion
i waited for the red curtains to close
but everything was too real. too real.
much as i like to be numbed
it was piercing right through me.
i wanted to get mad
but couldn't.
there was pain
but i couldn't do anything but accept it.
every bit of it.
i was trying to direct my eyes on you
just so i feel i'm safe
just so i know everything will turn out okay
and it was your __ look (and there's not even a word to perfectly describe your look)
that embraced my anger with much love
the pain was still there
but it was there because i love
it was there because you placed that seed of love in me
it was there because i feel, i'm real, i live.
you let me see the beauty of my pain
so i can embrace it with love
you never let go of my hand
saying i can abandon to you everything
you lifted my chin and asked me to look only at you
not to look elsewhere
because there's pain anywhere i look
but that love and serenity i see only in your gaze.
thank you.

and it is absolutely true
that your love and generosity can never be outdone.
even beyond the infinite reality of this world.
thank you. i am happy.

"you know all things and you know that I love you"

yesterday

yesterday made me think twice about happiness. It's always been a cliche how people define happiness in the simplest of things. simple things such as eating your favorite ice cream flavor, dancing in the rain, getting a long sweet sleep after a tiring week, watching the sunset, lying on the field with your friends while you do cloud-watching, and a bunch of other "sweet nothings". But they're merely trivialities. They're no doubt the simple things you get in life, but life is not just a bunch of sweet nothings. Life is mostly composed of the little and ordinary things in life.

How do we make the most out of our ordinary day? we can't just fill the day with mostly sweet nothings. doing nothing but lie around and watch the clouds.. and wait for the bugs to take a bite from you. or doing nothing but eat ice cream all day, unless you really want to get a big fat ass. or doing nothing but sleep all day while your friends and family are having fun outside under the sun. Life is just too ordinary for us.

Yesterday was yet another happy day for me. It was my ordinary saturday. I woke up early for the second day of the talk series i'm attending (Humanly Speaking), got there on time and spent about 3 hours of my morning there. Just a talk that really got me listening the whole time. after the talk i went to katipunan with a friend. we were supposed to eat at KFC but there were too many people so we decided to eat elsewhere. we had to walk the long and hot avenue of katipunan just to get to 'wok this way'. so we "woked" because we were both cutting on our expenses.. we could not afford a trike fare. upon arriving the place, i headed to the ladies/gents room because i really really need to go. opened the door and a guy was inside. whoops. i swear the door was opened! okay so the lock was not working fine, but i didn't intend to see someone inside, much less to see a guy! i guess that was the sole thing that was out of my ordinary routine. nonetheless, i had to get on with the day. went on with my storytelling with the kids. (it would have been the fun fun fun lesson i imagined it would be if clauds were with us.) then attended the recollection for the month of december. then ended the day by hearing His word during the mass.

after such an ordinary day, it was every moment with Him that made all the difference. From the very minute i woke up and saw the sun rising, until the day ended with the Eucharistic celebration, everything was directed to Him --- and this made the ordinary, nothing but the ordinary things we look over. There is so much more with these ordinary things we consider as merely tasks, "things to do", or even burden. They'd never need to be that burdensome if done with a little love. how? like "Lord, this long walk, i offer up for my friend who needs help in her love life" or "Lord i offer up the shame from seeing the guy inside the comfort room for the safety of this particular friend on a trip" or simply "Lord, this one hour of study is for my special someone who hasn't found me yet" haha o diba. be creative. be loving. be prayerful :)

"An hour of study, is an hour of prayer" -- St. Josemaria Escriva.

bawal malungkot.

bawal malungkot. kaya kahit alam kong wala na akong ... haha! ngiti na lang. yihee naintriga siya. ano kaya 'yun 'no? 'wag mo na alamin. baka malungkot ka rin. kababawan lang naman 'yun kaya hindi na dapat pinagkakaabalahan. (kababawan pero ginawan pa ng entry 'no? haha bakit ba.) tama na nga. baka kung ano pa malagay ko rito.

one-two buckle my shoe. three-four knock at the door. five-six pick up sticks. seven-eight lay them straight. nine-ten BE A FRIEN-d weh. imbento. parang 'yung microscope na ginagamit namin sa bio, inimbento ni... sino nga uli 'yun? teka, research ko muna. ang labo. 'wag na nga. basta inimbento rin 'yun.

"keep breathing. 'cause i'm not leaving you anymore. believe me. hold on to me never let me go."
-nickelback

aral na! aral na!


edit: sabi ng isang site, "nine-ten do it again" sabi ng isa "nine-ten a big fat hen". anyway hindi ko nakita kung sino talagang nagsulat nun.

exhibit #13: dazed

chasing sanity.

why does it feel like i've been gone out of the world for so long? i haven't had real conversation with people until recently. and it sucks that the talk had to be about... anyway. things i never really thought i'd admit to myself. have you ever experienced something like that? that moment when you finally admit to yourself that you're one thing you never thought you'd be? *sigh* i never thought my repressed thoughts would get back at me this way.

anyway, i haven't done this for so long --- making blog entries about my day. right now i just feel the need to do so. not because what happened today is worth mentioning here, but just for the heck of it. My goodness i better practice telling someone or at least something about my day. it doesn't really feel good when you get hit on the head and realize you haven't really connected with the world so much. being too detached doesn't really do you good, you know.

so anyway, a while ago was supposed to be my oral exam in art studies 1. That report really got me at the edge of my seat. the professor gave no guidelines nor criteria except that we have to read the articles, and said we will be graded on our mastery of the text. it was too vague and i didn't get to ask other people for clarifications. anyway, it was moved to next meeting. The professor saw we weren't prepared for it. whew!

what a day. it wasn't physically tiring. but it was mentally and emotionally tiring. tsk. anything but that two!

wow! and doesn't it feel good to give out rants once in a while? right now i just feel so human. how things deem to be so real. that hey, i feel. and that despite and in spite what happened today, i'm gonna move forward and get by. i'm gonna embrace life. live. dance. sing. kiss the sun. smile. laugh. cry. fall. get up. run. walk. walk slowly. walk slower. walk slower than slower. then run so fast. until i don't feel my feet anymore. until... until.... until i get my insanity back. no. until so much of my sanity has been used up. until i go around the world in 80 days. hah! you ever tried typing lines that don't make sense? i just did.

chasing sanity has never been this difficult.

a sum of brief moments.

:)

important nothingness.

ahh. my first entry for the month of november. for some reason, it felt uncomfortable to move on from the month of october. there was something in that month that made me hold on --- to people and things i hold dear in my life. but the world hasn't stopped revolving and rotating, and i have no choice but to move on and get on with life.


have you ever looked in the mirror and saw so much of your flaws? that one moment when you hated yourself so much. vanity? yeah. but in a deeper sense, seeing your flaws within. have you ever tried looking at them from a distance, seeing you have so much to change in yourself? it can be so disappointing yet a blessed experience. as the priest from the retreat put it, it's like a glass of water stricken by a ray of light and you see the particles floating. Such a humbling experience when you finally accept every bit of your flaws, weaknesses and failures.

i asked for that light to see myself clearly, and i would not have recognized myself if i hadn't looked long enough. the things i hated seeing in other people were the very things i saw in myself. and how could i have been so blind and numb as to not see those things? how could i have been so proud as to see myself highly. it was hard to accept them, but it was so much harder to struggle against them. and sometimes i get to the point when i want to give up and just let myself fall in to the pit again. but when i hold on to that blissful moment of seeing that light, even if it means seeing my flaws, i find no other reason not to struggle even more. there is so much hope in Him, that even as i felt i lost the entirety of myself along with my flaws, i felt more at home. it was the feeling of "finally" as i saw myself nothing before Him. i never felt so happy to be this nothing but at the same time to be an important nothingness for being His daughter.

even with a clearer vision, the road is just the same --- still towards His direction, the Truth and the Way. a clearer vision to see more of other people's needs, and less of myself. a clearer vision to see the flaws i should struggle against. a clearer vision to see Him in the people i meet along the way. now that i'm in the middle of the busy world again, i can only inhale deeply, hold my breath for a moment as i ask for stronger faith, and exhale with more certainty of the life i choose to continue.

nothing to fear

i had nothing to fear

for You were there.

exhibit #12: to see beyond

he gave me a pat

He was running around the church as i was seated on the floor, patiently waiting for my turn in the confessional. I've seen him before. he was with his mom at that time just as he was a while ago. he has not failed to make me smile just as he did when i first saw him weeks ago. i followed him with my eyes and then he caught me smiling at him. *hihi* he stopped before me and held his hand out, gave me a pat on the shoulder as a nice big smile shaped on his face. i held his hand, said hello, then he smiled back again and went back to running around.

the scenario played back in my mind and wanted to freeze it the moment he smiled and gave me a pat. i wondered, what could have been on his mind for him to do that. his face so innocent that seemed to be troubled with no worries -- i can't be mistaken, he is one blessed and loved child. i see in his eyes and in his smile how much God embraces him every night, and how much he is lulled to sleep by his guardian angel. I see in his mother how much she is strengthened by the Holy Spirit, and how much Our Lady keeps them in her prayers. This woman is blessed with a son with down syndrome --- a child that as if knows nothing but to love.

carry on!

to stand up amidst the crowd that goes on along their way, of which nothing is going in the same direction as yours -- can you withstand it? Will you carry on to the path the light has shown you? or will you simply blind yourself and pretend you don't see the light, pretend you don't hear Him calling you, and just go with the flow of the crowd? "wow!" you say to yourself, "at least i don't have to pressure myself on one direction, because with the crowd, i can choose from so many ways to conquer."

you can have your way -- an ownership of your path. And because you feel so much in control of your life this way, you forget altogether the light you saw, and just carry on with the path you chose for yourself. carry on lad! go on as far as you can with your chosen path. carry on with your compromises of making things still in accordance to Him, when you know you are fooling no one but yourself, because the path you took is not even parallel to the one He shows you. and in a few minutes time, i shall ask you: "are you happy?" if you are, then why do you still have those moments of silence? why do you seem to look back and think how it could have been had you followed Him? why do you seem to look for answers along your way, when deep down you know you will never find them where you're walking at the moment? Could it be that you're searching at the wrong place? could it be that you're looking for the wrong happiness -- that which isn't happiness at all, but a mere distorted reflection of that one true happiness?

Don't go so far dear child, for you haven't totally lost your way. It is Him still calling you that you feel uncomfortable with the path you walk upon. It is Him reaching for your hand that you feel a sense of imbalance as you walk on your chosen road. Reach for Him and you will find rest, reach for Him and you will find the answers you are looking for. And i tell you, you will never be confounded as you see Him, as you let Him embrace you with His love, as you let Him enter your life. He's been knocking at your door, but what has kept you from opening it for Him, when He has never delayed a single second to open His doors for you everytime you knock. Open your doors and you will never find a reason to close on Him again. Go on with your search for Him, He's been waiting for you. It wouldn't matter to Him which roads you took before you got to Him, what matters is you found your way to Him again. And when that moment comes, whatever struggle you partake in is just a piece of a jigsaw puzzle that completes the picture of that one true happiness with Him.

no more hiding

There's been too much of hiding
when there's really nowhere to hide.
you live where there's so much crying and pain
and you cannot simply avoid them
because you live with them.

you are bound to stand amidst the crowd
but you cannot just stand there.
you have to walk fast...
against the current if you must.
you ask, where you have to go?
why are you asking?
you already know
you just have to get your feet walking.

don't close your eyes
face them with much certainty and courage
for now nothing else matters
but your fulfillment of that one true will
-- that which you can't even call yours
but have to accept with much ownership.

there's no other way but forward
if you must retreat,
it'll be because you need strength to move on
but never to abandon that journey* you started.

there's no time for playing
for the journey awaits you
to unfold every pain and bliss it has stored for you.
walk! and bring yourself to smile
for there's so much life and happiness before you
you won't see them with that uncertainty...

ayan na! ayan na!

biliiiiis!!! late na 'ko! late na 'ko! late na 'koooooooooo! naku, naku! Oh Lord, ayan naaaa! malapit naaaaaaaaa mahuhulooooog na 'koooooooooooo --- at ayun. nadapa na nga ako. best moment of my life, eh!

CWTS kahapon. 2 oras lang ang tulog ko para sa status report sa CWTS. 9am ang class pero dapat 8am nasa UP na 'ko kasi magpaparingbind pa 'ko ng report (bakit? kasi kelangan). Nagising ako ng 7:30am at naalalang may kelangan pa 'ko iedit sa report. ayun 9am ako umalis ng bahay. traffic sa commonwealth dahil may bumaliktad na trak sa may tandang sora. tingnan mo nga naman ang pagkakataon. sa lahat ng araw na pwedeng matraffic, ngayon pa. kaya dumaan ang taxi ko sa may marikina at dinayo rin ang traffic dun. pero mas okay na dun kesa sa commonwealth na literal na hindi gumagalaw. 9:45 na at nasa may balara na 'ko. malapit na ang U.P! natatanaw ko na! ang kaso traffic din dun. nakarating na'ko sa shopping center, nagparingbind at kumaripas sa mabilis na paglalakad. papunta sa klase, dumadaan ako sa daan na kakaunti lang ang tao. Perfect venue na sana para madapa kasi walang taong dumadaan nun, maliban kay manang guard at sa tagawalis na nasa harap ng sun dial na malaki sa likod ng Engg. aba! akalain mong nadapa ako sa harap nila mismo. moment na moment eh! b u m a g a l --- a n g --- g a l a w -- n g -- o r a s -- k o -- n a -- p a r a -- b a n g -- n a s a -- s l o w -- m o t i o n -- a n g -- l a h a t. nahulog na 'ko at nasabing: "n a k u p o -- m a n a a a n g -- s o o o o r r y ! " aba eh nagsorry pa 'ko. kasi nahulugan ko yung mga halaman at bato sa sidewalk. nagmadali akong tumayo dahil 'yung status report namin baka nasira. habang patayo, tinanong ako ni manang guard: "o, bakit ka nadapa?" hindi ko alam ang isasagot ko dahil hindi ko rin alam kung ano talaga ang inaasahan niyang isagot ko sa tanong niya:
marahil:
a. hindi naman po ako nadapa. guni-guni niyo lang 'yon.
b. nadapa? sino? sinong nadapa? tulungan natin!
c. pa-cute lang po manang.
d. practice ko lang po 'yon sa play. o diba, performance level!!

pero wala sa mga 'yun ang sinagot ko. sabi ko na lang, "nagmamadali po ako kasi late na 'ko. sige po!" at tumakbo uli habang tumatawa.

sa kasalukuyan, pag naaalala ko ang detalye ng pangyayari, isa lang ang nasasabi ko sa aking sarili: "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!"

tawanan mo na lang! :P

exhibit #11: through the light

...we have only one path to follow.

dun lang *turo ng nguso* dun o.

"sa'n ka ba pupunta?"

Minsang natanong ko ito sa aking sarili. Napatigil ako sa paglalakad, natulala nang tatlong segundo at napalingon sa dinaanan. Naisip ko, ang layo na pala ng nalakad ko. At nagpatuloy lang ako sa paglalakad nang hindi namamalayang hindi ko nasagot ang aking tanong. Nagpatuloy sa paglalakad habang ang isip ay nasa ibang baybayin ng planeta. Naisip ko, ano kayang magandang gawin habang hindi pa ako nakakarating sa pinaroroonan. At bigla akong napatigil muli. Naalala ko lang ang nauna kong tanong sa sarili. Saan nga ba ako pupunta? Hindi ko na nakuhang mailayo ang aking isip sa katanungan. Napaupo na lang ako at napaisip. Saan nga ba ako papunta?

napaupo ako na parang pumupupu sa daan. mga kamay na nakasalumbaba, nag-iisip saan tutungo. at napansin kung gaano ako lalong lumiit kumpara sa mga taong nagdadaanan sa tabi ko. at bigla na lang... ah! alam ko na! punta na lang ako sa school.

ayun lang. edi nagtungo na nga ako ng school. --- o 'wag mo na isipan ng malalim na eksplanasyon 'yung entry. kasi wala naman talaga. kababawan. ui pero hindi 'yan nangyari talaga ah! hindi talaga! promise!!! hindiiiiii. promise. maniwala ka! (hindi naman tunog defensive diba?)

"Sira pa ba 'yung MRT?"

minsan ayos lang naman magmarunong... pero dapat kaya mo rin panindigan kung mapahiya ka man dun.

eto ang nangyari sa'min ng kaibigan ko.

hazel: nako, pa'no 'yan pupunta akong u.p. bukas makakapasok ba ng u.p.?
ako: ah, oo naman. tinanggal naman nila yung mga nakaharang na puno.
hazel: ah okay buti naman.
ako: teka, hindi ba sira yung mrt?
hazel: ah talaga? nako, hassle!
ako: hmm e di bus ka na lang?
hazel: hindi ko alam pa'no.
ako: hmm jeep?
hazel: pa'no at saan?
ako: hmm nako. hindi ko sigurado pero meron kasi jeep sa'min na diretsong UST na.
hazel: taga-san ka ba?
ako: commonwealth. okay not helping. *tenen! strike one!* hehe. eh kung LRT kaya?
hazel: aling LRT?
ako: pareho. baba ka lang ng katipunan ng LRT2 tapos jeep papuntang u.p.
hazel: onga, yun yung way ko.
*tenenen! strike two!*
ako: aaaaah. haha okay. edi MRT. (take note, kakasabi ko lang na baka sira yung MRT. haha)
hazel: hindi ako sanay sa MRT
ako: madali lang yung MRT. punta ka lang ng taft station. kaya lang hindi ko alam pa'no papunta ng taft station
hazel: ah taga-taft ako.
*tenenenen! strike three!*
hindi na'ko makaisip ng iba pang paraan. kaya nagtext na 'ko at tinanong kung sira ba 'yung mga tren.
text ng isa pang friend: hindi sira yung LRT at MRT
*tenenenenen! jackpot!*

ayun naman pala eh. pinroblema pa pa'no pupunta ng u.p. hindi naman pala sira. :P

To hold these stinging cold bars

in hopes of having that morsel heat of the sun

To get my feet stand on the piercing broken pieces of glass

just to get a glimpse of the rising of the sun.

Will i ever see beyond the darkness of this cell?

will this ever make sense as i put myself to every inch of pain?

How will things turn out to be?

As i swim my way to denial...

There is so much to learn about

so much to realize and accept

in the end i ask

"is this what's really bound to happen?"

Bring me to my senses

that i may see i shouldn't be a captive of my own desires.

blind me from the things of this world

So i can see clearly through this parody.

So i can escape from this suffocating universe.

---let my faith go beyond

beyond the deception of reality.

Let me come to my senses and be at Your feet

that i may see through the mist

of vagueness

that i may never forego

of the happiness

i once embraced.

To know that this

is not one of the

gleaming light

that

d

i

s

a

p

p

e

a

r

s

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

How else will I do this,
if not through You?
Why else will I do this,
if not for You.
Lord Jesus, teach me to forget about myself.

Exhibit #10: buried

the sand won't hold me back

laugh.

learn.

live.

seek for Him

g h e i a q e t s c q e d g s a p d n s a d p c e t g s h j k s s e d t d c e s e g v e s a d g e d v r f y e y d e j d e e q r a e w d d o u g n e n d i e c p ow i s d o m to know Your will s d e d e s e q s d e q a g h e i t u d n e b s t u e h s i e n c a h e o d k e n s y w h t h g o w a p d k c m e s s k d k w o d t r u s t in You d e d z e p i o r d s t g d c m i n p e k d k w n e i d h a b d k e o s t i d u s n d i e s a s k d u e n s c i e k s l d p o q h d n s k c l d e o s l e s k e l s i e o s h e b s k d i e h d k s i e h s i k e k s o e k e k d d s dH I M k s o q p d b c k e o s k d i i e k s s a j u t u e i s n d c q y w o p t p a g h s e i t u s h n e t i e o s p q p e k t i e s n d i g i e t e h s l a p w i d i e k d c k d o e i t h s l e o s n d i o e t s h d k e o t d k s l a s p s s e i t n s k e s k d o s s e e w d n e strengthen my faith u e s e t s e s d e d s e d p c o u r a g e to do Your Will e e s z e t d z e p i t d i e s c k e k d l e o s n n e s o d d e o s e t d c e s e d i s d e d g e s d g e s i e d e g h t d s a d p e d c e e t i d h e l p m e d d k e s e p d k e k t k d i d k e k k e s e p o d g u e s n d s k e i t d y n c n s k e x r e b c v i e p e ot i s j e n c y t u w e h s y e u t d j e n s j k e d e k d e s k d k e e i k s e e d c e w i d k e k d s t r e n g t h to fulfill Your will j e d c e c e o k g h e i a e d q e t s c q e d g s a p d n s a d b s t u e h s i e n c q a g h e o q p d b c k k d l e o s n d e s e o c e

they don't hear you
and they won't hear you.

shadow

i hide behind the shadows of joy
as i try to free myself from grief.
in this darkness i feel the security
from the surreptitious whispers
of the cold wind to my ears.
there's satisfaction from sitting on this corner
even if i am confined in so little place.
this is my haven of security,
my comfort zone,
my home.
But even as i occupy the whole of the space,
it is as empty as my heart is.

I seek for warmth in the midst of darkness
yet it brings me nothing but cold touch.
and the light came upon me,
touched me with such tenderness
and blinded me with so much truth
--- freedom beyond human wisdom.
to be free from this captive gravity
to be free from this chain of comfort and pleasure
and be embraced by truthful struggle and pain.

How could i have missed this?
looking for so much profound disguises,
and decoding the symbols here and beyond,
i failed to see the obvious
in its utmost simplicity.

it was like reliving a memory i've been keeping for so long.

exhibit #9: end

are we there yet?

ngumiti ka na lang...

ganto o, :)

...kahit malapit na tumulo luha mo, ngiti ka na lang. Hindi mo alam baka may nakatagong kamera sa sulok at kukuhanan ka ng litrato. mabuti na 'yung handa. khikhikhi. :P dramatic look ka pa na para kang naiyak dahil sa pagkapanalo mo sa Ms. Universe, o 'di kaya Mr. Sexy kung lalaki ka man. (parang ang pangit ng titulong Mr.Sexy, tapos umiyak sa pagkapanalo. hmm.)

ngiti ka lang, pero siguraduhing walang tinga. baka sa kakangiti mo, tawanan ka na lang ng mga tao. pero okay lang 'yun, basta masaya ka, ngiti lang. hindi mo naman alam na may tinga ka, eh. at kunwari hindi mo alam na ikaw tinatawanan.

ngiti lang nang ngiti hanggang sa magmukha ka ng dadalhin sa mental hospital. malay mo mas masaya nga talaga dun kaysa sa mundong ginagalawan mo. makakasama mo ang pinakatotoong taong makakasalamuha mo --- sa sobrang totoo, hindi na sila pinaniniwalaan ng lipunan.

ngiti ka lang. subukan mo 'yung labas ang ngipin, sa taas muna, tapos mamaya 'yung sa baba lang. subukan mo rin 'yung walang ngipin. tapos nun walang ngipin uli, pero nakabukas 'yung bibig --- 'yung parang lola? tapos ngiti ka ng nakalabas 'yung dila. subukan mo 'yung iba-ibang direksyon ng dila. ay hindi 'wag na lang pala. masagwa na 'yun. ngiti ka na lang na may isang ngipin lang na nakalabas. kung mahirap pa 'yun, subukan mo dalawang ngipin lang.

ngiti ka lang. sige na... please? haha desperado ba? ngiti ka na. para kahit man lang isang tao, may mauto ako sa walang kwentang entry na 'to. picturan mo sarili mo, tapos padala mo sa'kin. ipopost natin dito. sige na! sisikat ka niyan! baka kunin ka pa sa komersyal ng Happy toothpaste. o kaya sa Unique toothpaste. ikaw 'yung sa "before" ng before-after scenario. o 'wag ka na magalit, joke lang 'yun. bagay ka nga sa colgate komersyal eh. ikaw 'yung toothbrush. bwahaha. uuuyyy napipikon na. pinapangiti lang naman kasi kita eh.

pero hindi nga... ngiti ka lang, habang may rason pa para ngumiti.

yihee nakangiti na 'yan. :)

abangan ang next entry: "tawa ka na lang..." tss. oo na, hindi na lang. 'to naman, humihirit lang, eh.

"ngumiti na kahit na napipilitan..." - Join the Club (nobela)

hindi ko hawak ang oras, gayun din ang aking buhay. matapos man ang lahat ay hindi ko rin mararamdaman dahil ang buhay na hawak ko ay buhay na walang hanggan --- buhay na may kinabukasan kahit tumigil man ang sandali.

Exhibit #8: details

the littlest details that comprise the whole of its beauty

oh, you'd be amazed!

... by how life is indeed simple and precious.

When one speaks of a lifetime, it is inevitable to perceive a chronological measure of time where one could make a timeline of all the events in the past and all the events that may or may not happen in the future. We equate or estimate it to 6 decades or more of waking up, working, eating and sleeping. Within this lifetime, we have so many plans and dreams that we try to fit in our "busy" life. And these plans are always made for what's ahead of us. We document the past, and plan out for the future, but what about the present? What if our timeline is not a line after all, but a single dot where the whole of our life is already contained?

Now let's try to see this lifetime as a moment. If we were given a moment to live, and not the typical lifetime we perceive to last as long as 6 decades or more, would it still be plausible for all our dreams and plans to be accomplished? If we only have the now, where there is no later nor tomorrow, how do we literally "live the moment"? Our trip to Boracay might have to be cancelled because the life span we have may not even last the whole plane trip. Our dream to be a millionaire by the age of 25 may not be realized because there is no certainty of living the next day. How do we live a lifetime of a moment --- where the moment cannot be bounded by years, months, weeks, days, hours, minutes nor seconds? We have no way of measuring time, because it doesn't matter anymore. For in this moment of life, it would be pointless to count and recount how much more time we have left to live. The only way of living it is to live it as it is. The only concern we will have in mind is how to live it as meaningful as possible. The question may not be the neverending question of life which is: "what is my purpose in life?" but "how can I have a worthwhile moment of life?"

A worthwhile moment of life. It is from this point that we may realize how the little things we take for granted in life can be so meaningful in a momentary life. Do you recall that moment when you made an old woman by the street happy? How about the time you put a smile on a kid's face by giving her a pat in the head? The little things we never planned in life may after all be the very things that will give essence to our life. What better way can we make a To-Do list than this:

__ Hug my mom and dad
__ send my friends a note of how much i care for them
__ smile to the person at the cashier
__ talk to the street kids
__ buy a person an ice cream
__ greet the security guard that opens the door for me
__ thank the stranger who gave way along the busy corridor
__ compliment a friend
__ appreciate my brothers
__ Thank God for the gift of life

With this kind of plans in life, would there still be a chance for hatred? It's living life for goodness' sake.

A while ago, I was walking by Katipunan Ave. to get to National Bookstore. Upon reaching KFC, there were a group of students (a college girl and 4 college boys) standing by the KFC parking. Two meters away from them was a street kid selling banana-q and whatever merienda he might have had that time. As I got near the vicinity, i heard the girl said to the boy in a very pleasing and sweet voice: "Umalis ka na... 'wag ka d'yan. Naiirita ako sa'yo eh." It wasn't a sarcasm when i said she said it with a sweet voice. It was too shocking and ironic for me not to hear it from where i was coming from. As i got pass through them, i heard the little boy said with so much truth in his voice: "Bakit, akala mo ba hindi ako naiirita sa'yo? Eh kung ikaw na lang kaya 'yung umalis?" And then I found myself giving a smirk after hearing the remarks of the boy. I'm not in a good position to judge what just took place at that moment. I have no idea how the kid may have irritated the girl before i reached their place. But whatever the kid may have done or said prior the incident, i still see the girl responsible for the situation, because as the uniform implied, she is an educated person. She should know better and may have reacted better in ways she doesn't tolerate disrespect and at the same time uphold her identity as an educated person.

oh the trivial things we could have avoided. The seconds wasted on that particular moment could have been spent in such a way we could make it a memory to smile upon. We make our own treasury of memories... What's done and what has happened is kept in there no matter how we might try to forget and erase it in our memory.

Life is just a moment... a moment that cannot be bounded by time but by the memories we create and by the simple things we do for goodness' sake.

Flowers for Algernon

Just recently, i finished a book i now declare as my favorite book. :) I'm talking about "Flowers for Algernon" by Daniel Keyes. For those planning to read the book, you may now stop reading this entry, because i'm about to spoil the plot. *evil laugh*

Charlie Gordon, the main character of the story is mentally retarded but is determined to learn and be intelligent as much as he can. He thought being intelligent would gain him friends and would make him acceptable to the society, but more importantly to his family that has left him long ago. He volunteered himself to be part of an experiment conducted by several doctors and psychologists who so far successfully conducted the experiment on a mouse named Algernon. The experiment's aim is to increase the intelligence of Charlie just as it so far did on Algernon. The experiment was successful at first, but following the same pattern that happened on Algernon, it came to a point where their intelligence deteriorated with the same rate as it increased. Algernon died which brought to the scenario when Charlie gave flowers for Algernon almost everyday; thus the reason for its title.

One concept really struck me as i read the story. It was the concept of the capacity to feel when one is mentally challenged. Because of Charlie's poor comprehension skills, he could not understand nor interpret the laughter of people. The world for him was as if in black & white, and one-dimensional. When he sees people laugh, he never perceived of it as people mocking him, but people laughing with him. After the experiment, as his knowledge widened day by day, he slowly understood that he was being mocked before. It was only then did he feel empty and sad. It was the perfect example for "ignorance is bliss" because the less he knew about their mocking actions, the less he knew how he should react and feel about them.

His intelligence developed and progressed slowly, and was even way beyond the intelligence of most people. It was then when he realized that the people he thought as genius weren't so genius after all. He was intellectually matured, but he was emotionally immature because the feelings such as anger, sadness and frustration were all new to him. He achieved more than what he hoped for with his highly exceptional intelligence, but he gained no friends just as he thought he would. He even lost the friends he used to have as he became too arrogant and consumed in himself.

The story also had romantic aspects, but unfortunately, or fortunately for some, this is not a topic i'm interested in sharing. hehe.

The story was in a form of progress reports (or journal) that was asked of Charlie for the experiment. From these progress reports, you could see in his writing style how he changed from a person with low I.Q. to someone with superior I.Q. to a person who slowly changed back to who he was. The style of writing gives the reader a sense of ownership to the character, as if the reader himself is experiencing what he's able to read. I commend the book for its well thought and well written storyline.

And to spoil it even more, here is Charlie's last progress report:

"nov 21 --- I did a dumb thing today I forgot I wasnt in Miss Kinnians class at the adult center any more like I used to be. I went in and sat down in my old seat in the back of the room and she lookd at me funny and she said Charlie where have you been. So I said hello Miss Kinnian Im redy for my lessen today only I lossed the book we was using.
She started to cry and run out of the room and everbody looked at me and I saw alot of them wasnt the same pepul who use to be in my class.
Then all of a suddin i remembered some things about the operashun and me getting smart and I said holy smoke I reely pulled a Charlie Gordon that time. I went away before she cam back to the room.
That's why I'm going away from here for good to the Warren Home school. I dont want to do nothing like that agen. I dont want Miss Kinnian to feel sorry for me. I know evrybody feels sorry for me at the bakery and i dont want that eather so Im going someplace where they are a lot of other pepul like me and nobody cares that Charlie Gordon was once a genus and now he cant even reed a book or rite good.
Im taking a cuple of books along and even if I cant reed them Ill practise hard and mabye Ill even get a littel bit smarter then I was before the operashun without an operashun. I got a new rabits foot and a luky penny and even a littel bit of that majic powder left and mabye they will help me.
If you ever reed this Miss Kinnian dont be sorry for me. Im glad I got a second chanse in life like you said to be smart because I lerned alot of things that I never even new were in this werld and Im grateful I saw it all even for a littel bit. And Im glad I found out all about my family and me. It was like I never had a family til I remembird about them and saw them and now I know I had a family and I was a person just like evryone.
... (haba pala nito. iklian na)
Goodby Miss Kinnian and dr Strauss and evrybody...

P.S. please tel prof Nemur not to be such a grouch when pepul laff at him and he woud have more frends. Its easy to have frends if you let pepul laff at you. Im going to have lots of frends where I go.

P.S. please if you get a chanse put some flowrs on Algernons grave in the bak yard."

haha. this book is happiness *heart-shaped hand*

Exhibit #7: Chasing the sun

It will have to set sooner or later...

alone.

fluttering leaf

i was just reaching for a beautiful leaf on the ground, and the moment i lifted my head, you were no longer around. i'm used to being alone, but not like this. You were supposed to be there. i just know. You were there with me. But i was left in the middle of the forgotten pavement with no idea how to move about from the exact place where i reached for the leaf. Was it just a fictional reality i made in my mind that you were there? Or is this a form of selective seeing that no one ever had? Then i thought i saw you. but it was just an image I'd like to believe is your image.

i couldn't make a clear picture of what just happened, and of the seconds to come. Time doesn't matter anymore for the moment i "lost" you, it's as if every hour, every minute, and every second of your memory with me just dissolved. It's a state of forgottenness --- a state where i'm the object of oblivion. A state that brings me to another dimension --- an entirely different dimension from you, the forgetist. I can only make as much blurred images of you as i can, but in your dimension, i no longer exist. i was frozen in your past, where you have no chance of seeing, nor remembering me in whatever way i wish to be.

was it the fluttering leaf that brought me to this state of forgottenness? or was it the fluttering leaf that woke me up from the fictional reality i was beginning to believe?

silence.

In the midst of your debating thoughts, just pause for a while and be silent.
*silence*
Try to listen this time.
Sometimes we think too much and come to no conclusion because all we really need is that moment of silence to hear what we're supposed to hear. It is in that silence that we embrace the meaning behind our confusion even if we don't understand its meaning. It is in that silence that we surrender ourselves to Him and just trust that things will eventually make sense. It isn't easy to come up with the best answers to our questions because we have such limited minds to have them all. Accept that we don't have all the answers to our questions and just offer to Him all our doubts, confusions, and worries.
We've created too much noise in our minds, when all we really need is that silence --- to be with Him, to commune with Him, to feel His presence.
Every right direction points to Him... it shouldn't be so hard to find the right way.

exhibit #6: kissing the sun

missing summer...

hohumm.

even as loneliness embraces your being
you try to reach for that one thing that'll make you happy.
it's as blurred as your life is right now,
yet you make a clear image of it in your mind,
trying to envision how it was to be happy.
the mindset is not the same as before,
but the being is just the same.
No matter how much effort you exert
into the account of being where you wish to be,
you end up no farther than where you started.
no sense of desperation,
but so much exasperation.
you breathe just the same,
but your heart beats as slow as your pacing in life could be.
you ask yourself where you're headed,
but you end up asking it again and again,
not knowing where you're really headed.
*sigh*
the loneliness of every second there is...
nothing more can be as lifeless as this.

and it's a constant struggle...

to keep my faith alive.
to see how God works in every aspect of my life
to give Him what is due to Him
to keep living for Him.
to strive for success not for my own but for Him
to be the best of I am as my greatest gift to Him.
to see Him amidst the sadness and happiness i am both embraced with.

forgive me for i am often left in a state of oblivion to Your existence.

cold whisper

you sit like a crumpled paper
trying to take as little space as possible
you try to keep yourself warm
but a cool wind blows through your ear
as if to whisper something you don't wish to hear
and the very thing you long to hear...
try as you might to keep it away from you
it grows with you, but not within.
it grows apart from you, but so much for you.
you nudge it as if it isn't yours.
and yet you long to embrace it as if the world has
forever hid it from you.
you feel and yet you don't understand.
the emotions inside well up to your utmost being
but nothing has ever made you stable as this before
you've lost all your sense of rationality
but it feels like as if everything's in its right place.
you get sensitive with almost anything your body senses perceive
and yet you get so numb
that you can't feel the cold wind
piercing through every inch of your body.
you embrace yourself
trying to keep everything to yourself
keeping the outside world away from you.
and it dawns to your senses
how you reached your defeat...
how the coldness of the wind overwhelmed your whole being
and yet has kept you warm from the beginning.
you stand up not feeling an inch of weariness.
everything's normal as they should
feeling as complete as before.
you look at the clock
and see how so much time has passed
then you walk on with your life...

Grand Tapestry

Love is not bound by time
It surpasses time and cannot be contained in each tick
Most often than not, time seems to clash with love –
Just when you wanted to say more, time wouldn’t permit
Just when greeted everyone, you needed to bid
farewell…
How sad… sad? Yes indeed in every way you look at it…
That is looking at it with a human’s eye.
Indeed through our wretched minds
We cannot understand how fast time flies.
But looking through heaven’s eyes
All had changed for a higher meaning
A meaning not grasped by our thoughts
But is found as a thread of God’s grand tapestry

by Herbert Montevirgen

everything's a blur right now. while every detail of the past is just so vivid, i couldn't make a clear picture out of it. i bombard myself with questions i know i can never find the right answers to. and even so, i just keep on asking.

and if only the stars could speak...

jeep 101

noong nakaraang biyernes, nasa u.p. ako at patungo ng sm north. minalas-malas pa 'ko sa paghihintay ng dyip dahil inabot ako ng mga isang oras sa kakahintay ng masasakyang dyip. maulan-ulan pa naman. pero 'di bale, nakasakay rin naman ako at naging kampante na dahil ilang sandali na lang makakarating rin ako ng sm. pero hindi naging ganun kasimple ang mga pangyayari... dahil bago pa man ako makarating ng sm north, eh muntik pa akong manakawan ng isang pangit na lalaki. gusto mo malaman ang kwento? ilalahad ko dito.

may lalaking sumakay na pinagpilitan pa niya yung pwet niyang malaki sa tabi ko. maya-maya, habang nasa loob pa ng u.p. ang dyip, napatingin ako sa bag ko at nakita ko ang kamay niya na papasok sa bag ko. ang mali ko naman kasi nakabukas yung bag ko. at sa sandaling napansin niyang nakita ko kamay niya, tinanggal niya. agad kong sinara ang bag ko. tinitigan siya ng matagal sa mata. napatingin sa'kin pero hindi ko tinanggal 'yung tingin ko. sa loob-loob ko gusto ko ng batukan. kaya lang nag-atubili ako dahil baka may panaksak. natatawa na lang ako na nahuli ko siya. binuksan ko uli ang bag ko at tiningnan kung may nakuha siya. sa kabutihang-palad, wala naman siyang nakuha. at ang kapal pa talaga ng mukha niya dahil ngumingisi pa siya sa'kin, eh halata namang kinabahan siya dahil nahuli ko siya. matapos ko siyang mahalata nagbayad na siya kaagad at sinabing bababa na lang siya sa philcoa. pagbaba sa philcoa, aba eh kasama pala niya yung isang lalaki nakaupo sa kabilang dulo. mandurukot na, mandurugas pa, dahil pang isang tao lang ang binayaran niya.

sa susunod talaga, masigurado ko lang na wala siyang panaksak isisigaw ko sa dyip: "hoy mamang pangit! 'yung kamay mo bakit nasa bag ko?!"

paalala sa mga nagkokomyut din katulad ko, pag sumasakay ng dyip:

- siguraduhing nakasara ang bag
- yakapin ang bag kung pwede.
- siguraduhing nakikita mo 'yung mga kamay ng mga katabi mo. kalimitan may dala-dala silang bag na walang laman at dun nila tinatago 'yung mga kamay nila. 'yung dati kong nawitness na pagdukot, 'yung mamang pangit may jacket at may mala-suitcase na bag. hindi talaga kita 'yung buong braso niya. 'yun pala sinaslash na niya 'yung bag ng katabi niya.
- at siyempre, magdasal. dahil naniniwala akong nakaligtas noong biyernes ng dahil sa Kanya.

exhibit #5: burning dove

...and He filled the hearts of His faithful

one-liners

i got this from an email.

1. Give God what's right..... not what's left.
2. Man's way leads to hopeless end. God's way leads to an endless hope.
3. A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing.
4. He who kneels before God can stand before anyone.
5. In the sentence of life, the devil may be a comma, but never let him be the period.
6. Don't put a question mark where God puts a period.
7. Are you wrinkled with burden? Come to the church for a face-lift.
8. When praying, don't give God instructions...... just report for duty.
9. Don't wait for six strong men to take you to church.
10. We don't change God's message. His message changes us.
11. The church is prayer-conditioned.
12. When God ordains, He sustains.
13. WARNING: Exposure to the Son may prevent burning.
14. Plan ahead......It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.

15. Most people want to serve God, but only in an advisory position.
16. Suffering from truth decay? Brush up on your Bible.
17. Exercise daily ...... walk with the Lord.
18. Never give the devil a ride. he will always want to drive.
19. Nothing else ruins the truth like stretching it.
20. Compassion is difficult to give away because it keeps coming back.
21. He who angers you controls you.
22. Worry is the darkroom in which negatives can develop.
23. Give Satan an inch & he'll be a ruler.
24. Be ye fishers of men. You catch them & He'll clean them.

25. God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

Simple.

There are some things we don't need to understand because we'll never understand and we'll just have to accept and believe in it. Our mind's inept to comprehend everything we wish to understand because there's always a limit to everything. No matter how far we push that limit, the limit will never cease to exist.

And for reasons of trying to get things our way, we compromise truths. we make amends that will make the incomprehensible ideas understandable to our simplistic minds. but little do we realize how much we've compromised the essence of life itself. we only get to see the silhouette of the once clear meaning of life as we confuse ourselves with "truths" only we created. what has happened to the once simple life?

the essence of life is indeed simple despite the many things we hardly understand. it has become complicated because we always choose what's complicated. We always choose where it's more convenient and comfortable for us. And as we seek for convenience, we make life not simpler for us, but actually complicated. Life being simple is leaving things as they are. Leaving them the way they were meant to be, regardless of whether they require for you to struggle or not. Convenience, however, is to avoid any form of struggle. Life was never meant to be struggle-free. It was only meant to be simple.

exhibit # 4: sweet serenity

moving forward with the river

after weeks and weeks of watching the river flow, i am now ready to ride my raft. i am not merely going with the flow, but i am the driver of my raft. i choose where to go, choose where to do the necessary turns, and turning back's not a choice. i am moving forward with the river, i may be ahead of it from time to time, but i hope not to lose my track now that i know where i'm headed. i anticipate to encounter most of the obstacle there exists, but more importantly, i am certain to get where i should be.

every moment of the journey is for Him.

human touch

The day started with a clear state of mind, but as the day unfolded, things weren't coming to a clear picture that i couldn't see through the worth of this day. it was a very tiring day. and my only solace is to think of the things that made me happy throughout the day. the bits and pieces of happy thoughts make way to my consciousness to give me a start as to how i could appreciate the simple yet profound worth of this day. what stands out is that of human touch.

despite the overwhelming heat and long walks i had to take for enrollment (which is yet to be accomplished), a human touch was all i needed to break free from the mental and physical stress i was bombarded with. a simple pat on my back from a friend was more than enough for me to compose myself, to let go of the bad vibes flooding my aura and to bring out a smile on my face while singing the "rubber duckie song". but of course, the cycle must continue, and it is but right that i pass on to others that much needed human touch. before i went home, i was able to share a simple human touch with a kid i encountered along Katipunan Avenue. There was no money involved, just an arm over his shoulder and a friendly conversation, and it became an encounter to remember. and there's no limit as to how many people i can share the magic of human touch with. in a couple of minutes, my dad will be coming home. and what's a better way of welcoming him than with i-missed-you-dad-hug?

as the day comes to an end, i see a clearer picture of what today contributes to the wholeness of my life. i now see the bigger picture. ...and how the world could be a better place to live in if more people learned of the magic of a human touch.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Rubber Ducky, you're the one,
You make bathtime lots of fun,
Rubber Ducky, I'm awfully fond of you;

(woh woh, bee doh!)

Rubber Ducky, joy of joys,
When I squeeze you, you make noise!
Rubber Ducky, you're my very best friend, it's true!

(doo doo doo doooo, doo doo)

CHORUS: Every day when I
Make my to the tubby
I find a little fella who's
Cute and yellow and chubby

(rub-a-dub-a-dubby!)

Rubber Ducky, you're so fine
And I'm lucky that you're mine
Rubber ducky, I'm awfully fond of you.

(repeat chorus)

Rubber Ducky, you're so fine
And I'm lucky that you're mine
Rubber ducky, I'm awfully fond of -
Rubber ducky, I'd like a whole pond of -
Rubber ducky I'm awfully fond of you!(doo doo, be doo.)

(http://lavender.fortunecity.com/lavender/313/muppets/duck.html)

exhibit #3: goodbye summer

summer bids goodbye with its image becoming hazy.

Dear Lord,

today i woke up feeling really sleepy and not wanting to get off from the bed, but soon after hoped that i woke up earlier to have at least my goodbye kiss from my lola and little cousins.
today i saw dark clouds covering the sky and soon after i felt the heat of the sun on my skin. today i passed by a lot of busy people smiling, sharing angsts, laughing, and people wearing straightfaces. (probably having deep thoughts, or maybe wandering off from the real world) today i was with friends i haven't seen for quite a while, and friends i didn't see but was expecting to see. today i felt a little resentment knowing my brother will be asking me to do things for him, but more than that, i felt honored to be doing it for him. today i went to the mall where expensive things were sold but was able to buy nothing. today i was served by people who unintentionally gave a poor service, but served with all the friendly smiles they can give. today i planned to save money but was happy that i spent them on people i care. today i saw rich people with smiles on their faces, and it's good to see such happy people. today i saw a little girl lying on a sidewalk with a plastic cup on her hand, while people passed by not noticing her or chose not to notice her. i felt a smile in my heart because i know how much warmth of Your love she is receiving every second of her life. today i said i was already full from the merienda i had, but ended thanking for the grace of food You laid down on the table. the dinner was really a grace, because more than the food we had, was the laughter that filled our hearts. and a lot more things to be happy about happened today...

i write this letter for reasons i can't put in simple expression of emotions. You've been with me throughout the day and Your love is just so evident with every second i had with You. The boldness of Your beauty from the simplest scenery of joy and even suffering, to the beauty that lies within each person i encountered today, is so magnificent that it is so surprising to be a mere glimpse of its wholeness. and as the night comes to an end, i thank You for the overwhelming Love, and for the gift of today that left me with a happy heart.

all for Your greater glory, Lord.
Amen.

simple thoughts of a child.

kyle: ate, nakakita ka na ng taong may isang ulo at dalawang paa?
ako: oo naman. marami na. ikaw diba may isang ulo at dalawang paa?
kyle: ay oo pala. mali. e ate, nakakita ka na ng taong may tatlong ulo at isang paa?
ako: hindi pa. bakit ikaw?
kyle: hindi pa rin.

*hehe nakakatuwa nga naman kung magyabang ang mga bata. magyayabang sila ng mga bagay na hindi pa nila nakikita. :P

kyle: ate, nakakita ka na ng OFW?
ako: OFW? marami na. diba yun yung mga taong nagtatrabaho sa ibang bansa?
kyle: ay oo nga pala. mali. nakakita ka na ng UFO?

*hehehe UFO naman pala. malapit na. parehong may "F" sa gitna.

kyle: ate, pag ako yumaman papagawa ako ng bahay na may limampu't siyam na palapag!
ako: *nakikinig* (ayaw niya ng 50, o 60. gusto niya 59 floors.)
kyle: tapos ate bibili ako ng 500 na kotse!
ako: talaga? ang dami naman nun!
kyle: tapos ate 10 computer!!
ako: wow kyle! ang yaman mo na nun! pa'no mo mabibili yung mga yun?
kyle: magwiwish ako sa shooting star. diba ate may power naman sila? diba magical yung mga shooting star? yun yung mabilis na star diba?

*hehehe oo nga naman, may shooting star.

nakakatuwang mapakinggang yung mga simpleng pangarap ng mga bata, at kung paano nila naiisip na makamtan ang mga ito. tinanong ko si kyle, para saan yung computer. sabi niya para daw makausap niya yung pamilya niya pag nasa malayo siya. nakakatuwa na naiisip ng isang batang katulad niya ang mapalapit pa rin sa kanyang pamilya gaano man siya mapalayo. tapos hinabol niya, lalagyan niya ng maraming computer games yung computer. hehehe.

bitter pill

a while ago, i was trying to get my 8-year old cousin, Kyle, to take his vitamins that was 3/4 inch in size. i never really thought i'd get a hard time to convince him that it was really easy to take it in. my first attempt took us 30 minutes of swallowing and spitting out, but to no avail. His aunts and Lola was already cheering for him, until minutes later they were getting really tired and impatient, and soon enough, annoyed. Kyle cried. My brave little cousin cried saying "hindi ko po talaga kaya, ate... natatakot ako." He was afraid it would get stuck in his throat. He said it's too big for him. and so we gave it a break and let him finish his food first. the room finally settled down and all his aunts were not speaking of it anymore. It didn't really get me down because as Kyle was about to take his seat again, he told me "mamaya ate, iinumin ko na talaga. promise." and that gave me hope. i told him there was nothing to worry because i'm going to give him chocolate soon after so he won't taste the bitter pill. after he ate, he went to my side, got the pill and his glass of water. i can still see the fear in his eyes. Then he said it's better if we go upstairs where no one can see him. so we did. we went upstairs, got ourselves ready, and had our second attempt. it was, of course, calm because his aunts weren't around. it was just between the two of us. when he was in his position already, he blurted out: "ate, hindi ko talaga kaya..." he was asking me if it was okay if we just open the pill and he'd take in whatever's inside the pill. i wasn't really sure if that's fine, but i thought it's better if he gets trained taking in pills, after all he said he wanted to be a doctor. so i explained to him how the pill needed to get to his stomach first before the nutrients could be distributed. we had a little lecture on anatomy and on the digestive system. still, he was saying he couldn't take it in. i continued on with the convincing, and from time to time i was gaining hope when he'd say: "ate ikaw maglagay sa loob." so i did but after taking it in he spitted it out again. the pill was getting all messy, melting little by little. we paused for a while, and i told him to pray to God and ask for courage and strength. He did just as i said. but he still wasn't ready to take the pill. to make the long story short, after an hour of convincing, lecture on the body, spiritual preparation, and mental conditioning, he still did not take the pill. We were really almost there. He was convinced how the pill's good for him, and he was willing to do it for his health, only if it weren't for the thought of the pill getting stuck inside his throat.

it was an experience i shall never forget. Even if we weren't able to attain our goal, i know how this experience will mark Kyle's identity as well. A simple decision to drink the pill can reflect his behavior on decision-making. i just hope it's gonna do him good and gonna make him a stronger person after.

Life has so many bitter pills to offer. it's up to us if we will risk a little to take them in, or if we will waste the opportunity and risk the possibility of forever regretting the wasted opportunity. Each of us have different perception on a single bitter pill. it's up to us how we will strategize to take in the bitter pill. In the end it will always be our decision.

exhibit #2: vanishing point

and the journey goes on...

Entering Noah's Ark

The media has once again boxed the society as if we are to enter Noah's Ark where each creature is paired up with a creature of the same kind. With all the romantic-mushy movies, loveteams bringing to real life their "relationship", young stars paired up, and even the Mura-Mahal relationship, we are faced with a society where almost everybody's busy looking for that "special someone". The young nowadays are so in a hurry to find a partner to have and to hold, to hug and to kiss, to lean on and to lock bodies with, to caress and to you-name-it. What are we in a hurry for? Are we about to get flooded?

but when you get a survey of the society's couples, you'd be lucky if you find at least 2 committed couples among 10. they painstakingly look for their "special" someone, but they do not have the guts at all to be committed. and when asked, do you see the person to be your wedded husband/wife, to have and to hold, to hug and to kiss, to lean on and to lock bodies with, to caress and to you-name-it? they say: "what for? we've done it.." oh yeah. i forgot. and then you try to get deep with the person, you ask, "no, really, do you think he/she's the one and only you'll ever be with for the rest of your life?" they'd laugh at you for ever thinking such long-term ideas. i always forget how society has lived for short-term basis only. it has not only favored instant-mami-noodle-attitude, but has also given a new meaning to the saying "live the moment".

what's so terrifying with being alone? life with no partner means a life with more people to mingle with. it's not about being alone, but enjoying the company of more people. it's not about focusing on a specific detail, but appreciating the bigger picture. it's not about giving yourself and your body to a person, but giving your heart to people who need you more. it's not about finding insecurities from people you get jealous of, but being secured with yourself. it's not about getting to know the person well, but getting to know yourself better. it's not about getting ready for sex, but getting ready for bigger commitments. it's not about loving your one and only, but being loved by more people around you. it's not about appreciating yourself because of your partner, but appreciating yourself despite and inspite whatever others say about you. and when you know yourself well enough, when you're stable emotionally and mentally, when you've matured enough for bigger commitments --no i won't tell you to look for the special someone-- then you're on the right track to living your life to the fullest. so where does your special someone enter the scene? you'll know when he/she's right in front of you. isn't that better? you've enjoyed being yourself. you've enjoyed your single life. and without much thinking or searching for that special someone, he/she comes and takes your breath away. (you die. haha kidding) That special someone comes when you don't look for him/her.

so what goes on in a committed life? well, that would be the story of Adam and Eve. For now, we share the story, not of Noah's Ark, but of The Creation, where each of us prepares ourselves for bigger happenings, greater goodness, and taking time to enjoy what is good.

watching the river flow...

my life hasn't been exactly the way i want it to be. So now i'm taking things slowly and i'm trying to make up with the things i've taken for granted in the past. I am giving more time for myself. I'm reliving the days when i am able to fulfill my passions in life. This time around, i'm gonna live my life. This is more like it... the time when all the beautiful details of my life are highlighted; the time when my life is lived to the fullest... no regrets, just memories to cherish and to learn from.

"When heading off downriver, pull over to the bank from time to time and sit quietly and look at the river and think about where you've been and where you're going and why and how." - Robert Fulghum ("It was on Fire when I Sat on It")

beautiful distortion

seeing the world through shattered pieces of glass... the picture doesn't seem to match as puzzle pieces should. but on the other side of the glass is still a unified picture of the beautiful world. the distortion of beauty is beyond anyone's perception. but a streak of light that passes through a piece of glass changes everything that has made it all wrong. the distortion is now a form of beauty... beauty beyond anyone's imagination. who would have thought... who would have thought... a streak of light was all it needed.

during the lowest point of our lives, we could not see clearly through the situation. when everything seems to be at their wrong places, we start to question God, why do things have to happen that way? unless we start to lift to Him our worries and our confusion, things will only remain as they are. and is it not true that after the great upheaval has surpassed, we see the beauty of the experience. and we can only thank God and be amazed at how He is able to bring out the beauty even from the worst of worst situations. The moment we perceive the new image of beauty, through His grace, we are able to see through His perception, where He sees beauty beyond any human perception.