bawal malungkot.

bawal malungkot. kaya kahit alam kong wala na akong ... haha! ngiti na lang. yihee naintriga siya. ano kaya 'yun 'no? 'wag mo na alamin. baka malungkot ka rin. kababawan lang naman 'yun kaya hindi na dapat pinagkakaabalahan. (kababawan pero ginawan pa ng entry 'no? haha bakit ba.) tama na nga. baka kung ano pa malagay ko rito.

one-two buckle my shoe. three-four knock at the door. five-six pick up sticks. seven-eight lay them straight. nine-ten BE A FRIEN-d weh. imbento. parang 'yung microscope na ginagamit namin sa bio, inimbento ni... sino nga uli 'yun? teka, research ko muna. ang labo. 'wag na nga. basta inimbento rin 'yun.

"keep breathing. 'cause i'm not leaving you anymore. believe me. hold on to me never let me go."
-nickelback

aral na! aral na!


edit: sabi ng isang site, "nine-ten do it again" sabi ng isa "nine-ten a big fat hen". anyway hindi ko nakita kung sino talagang nagsulat nun.

exhibit #13: dazed

chasing sanity.

why does it feel like i've been gone out of the world for so long? i haven't had real conversation with people until recently. and it sucks that the talk had to be about... anyway. things i never really thought i'd admit to myself. have you ever experienced something like that? that moment when you finally admit to yourself that you're one thing you never thought you'd be? *sigh* i never thought my repressed thoughts would get back at me this way.

anyway, i haven't done this for so long --- making blog entries about my day. right now i just feel the need to do so. not because what happened today is worth mentioning here, but just for the heck of it. My goodness i better practice telling someone or at least something about my day. it doesn't really feel good when you get hit on the head and realize you haven't really connected with the world so much. being too detached doesn't really do you good, you know.

so anyway, a while ago was supposed to be my oral exam in art studies 1. That report really got me at the edge of my seat. the professor gave no guidelines nor criteria except that we have to read the articles, and said we will be graded on our mastery of the text. it was too vague and i didn't get to ask other people for clarifications. anyway, it was moved to next meeting. The professor saw we weren't prepared for it. whew!

what a day. it wasn't physically tiring. but it was mentally and emotionally tiring. tsk. anything but that two!

wow! and doesn't it feel good to give out rants once in a while? right now i just feel so human. how things deem to be so real. that hey, i feel. and that despite and in spite what happened today, i'm gonna move forward and get by. i'm gonna embrace life. live. dance. sing. kiss the sun. smile. laugh. cry. fall. get up. run. walk. walk slowly. walk slower. walk slower than slower. then run so fast. until i don't feel my feet anymore. until... until.... until i get my insanity back. no. until so much of my sanity has been used up. until i go around the world in 80 days. hah! you ever tried typing lines that don't make sense? i just did.

chasing sanity has never been this difficult.

a sum of brief moments.

:)

important nothingness.

ahh. my first entry for the month of november. for some reason, it felt uncomfortable to move on from the month of october. there was something in that month that made me hold on --- to people and things i hold dear in my life. but the world hasn't stopped revolving and rotating, and i have no choice but to move on and get on with life.


have you ever looked in the mirror and saw so much of your flaws? that one moment when you hated yourself so much. vanity? yeah. but in a deeper sense, seeing your flaws within. have you ever tried looking at them from a distance, seeing you have so much to change in yourself? it can be so disappointing yet a blessed experience. as the priest from the retreat put it, it's like a glass of water stricken by a ray of light and you see the particles floating. Such a humbling experience when you finally accept every bit of your flaws, weaknesses and failures.

i asked for that light to see myself clearly, and i would not have recognized myself if i hadn't looked long enough. the things i hated seeing in other people were the very things i saw in myself. and how could i have been so blind and numb as to not see those things? how could i have been so proud as to see myself highly. it was hard to accept them, but it was so much harder to struggle against them. and sometimes i get to the point when i want to give up and just let myself fall in to the pit again. but when i hold on to that blissful moment of seeing that light, even if it means seeing my flaws, i find no other reason not to struggle even more. there is so much hope in Him, that even as i felt i lost the entirety of myself along with my flaws, i felt more at home. it was the feeling of "finally" as i saw myself nothing before Him. i never felt so happy to be this nothing but at the same time to be an important nothingness for being His daughter.

even with a clearer vision, the road is just the same --- still towards His direction, the Truth and the Way. a clearer vision to see more of other people's needs, and less of myself. a clearer vision to see the flaws i should struggle against. a clearer vision to see Him in the people i meet along the way. now that i'm in the middle of the busy world again, i can only inhale deeply, hold my breath for a moment as i ask for stronger faith, and exhale with more certainty of the life i choose to continue.