2007

:) it's been a crazy year, Lord. I could never forget the journey that I had with You. I remember how i welcomed this year with no expectations and no thoughts about the future. I spent the New Year's Eve of 2007 watching the beautiful fireworks in the sky, cherishing the happy moments with my family, and without a thought beyond what's gonna happen the day after. I didn't even think about the coming days when the classes would resume and I'd be back on my academic mode. As each day unfolded, You opened my eyes to a world that's new, You helped me open my arms so I could embrace this whole new life. This year, You showed me a world that's different from the world I've grown to know. It is a whole new world in a kaleidoscope of reality.

Is it a world so much better? Yes. It is a new reality where everything is grounded on Love. To see the world with so much Love, and to live in this world giving love beyond one's capacity.

In all the aspects of my life, You've tested my capacity to give and to love. As I spent sleepless months last semester, faced with failing exams I could hardly accept, You have taught me perseverance and humility. That in any endeavor I wish to pursue, no matter how good it is in itself, it is never worth pursuing if it's not to give You true glory.

As our family went through, and is still going through, our greatest tribulation, You have taught us abandonment and greater faith, that indeed, omnia in bonum, everything for the good. Out of a seemingly unfortunate situation, You've turned it to be a life worth more than just precious stones.

You allowed me to have real friendships with people I knew long before, but had only this chance to know them as really wonderful people. You blessed me with such good people to make me realize that one of life's treasures are hidden among these kinds of people.

You gave me a life so much different from the life I lived, as You allowed me to walk with that one person --- a life not any sweeter, but so much worth living, as we ventured on a path that made us see in each other's perspective. The love that we try to keep in our happy thought box, uncontrollably radiates to the people we love most, and in our everyday dealings which we humbly offer to You.

As the hours slowly close on the year that was, and as I slowly welcome the new year ahead, I look forward to a new journey with You. I look forward to a life that wills to pursue that greater Life, a life to fulfill Your greater plan.

And that all You're asking of us is to simply love, and to love simply.

pieces

have you thought of something perfect today? i have. it's so perfect that i couldn't imagine the whole picture of it. it's so perfect that i fear imagining even an inch of it, for fear that in a minute or so, it'll vanish from my sight, vanish from my mind.

my heart has finally rested, but it remains to be in questioning. my heart is yearning to fall to its rightful place, where nothing else could take it away from that spot. It's when every piece around it has fallen to their right places.

benta :p

" I miss you Ayen! Last time I saw you, despedida pa ata ni Sir O. haha. Tara, despedida tayo ulit, hanap tayo ng paaalisin. hahahahaha! :p " - pam reyes.

Missives of a Hopeful Heart

A few months back, my dad was diagnosed to have a liver cancer. He got a liver transplant, and got back home after his one month recovery. Then he got confined again because he was getting dehydrated because of an unstoppable diarrhea. Last week, the doctor said my dad has more or less 2 months to live. It seemed too sudden, but it was not surprising either. Until now, I can hardly believe what he said, because my dad has never had a healthier disposition after he was diagnosed with liver cancer. My dad's home right now, watching Mission Impossible 3. He's out of the hospital just so he could spend Christmas at home, tomorrow we'll be back in the hospital again.

Whatever truth there was on the doctor's news, I'm not wasting any time as I try to cherish every moment I could have with him.

i love you, too.

I kissed my dad on his head just as i always do, but this time i told him that I love him.
He was silent until I said:
Dad's too shy to say I love you, too.
And then he said:
I love you, too.
Mom said: I love you, daddy.
Dad said: I love you, too.
Kuya Oliver said: We love you, daddy!
Dad said: I love you, too.

and then it seemed he was never getting tired of saying I love you.

hindi naman namin siya inuto diba? :p

Complete Family

We were complete as a family a while ago. It was joyous to see us all together in a room. This has got to be one of the happiest days...


Thank You, Lord, for the wonderful memories :)

oh i just know my dad's smiling... :p

anytime

while i was listening to music earlier, my dad said he feels sad. This is not the first time we got to talk about this, but this is the most recent account I can remember.

Dad: nalulungkot ako.
Karen: bakit naman?
I asked even if he tells me the same things over and over again.
Dad: wala, sa sitwasyon natin. Anong mangyayari sa inyo 'pag wala na 'ko?
Karen: Eh bakit mo ba pinoproblema 'yun? Hindi naman kami pababayaan ni Lord, at hindi rin kami magpapabaya.

*a little while later*

Dad: Anytime, karen, anytime pwede akong kunin.
Karen: As long as you're at peace with Him, daddy, there's nothing to fear.
Dad: prepared naman ako, eh.
Karen: Exactly. I've been asking Him to assure you a place in Heaven, so there's nothing to fear.

And then he went back to reading the gospel, trying to get to know more about Him before they finally meet.

Karen: Dad, bakit sinasabi mong anytime?

I asked because as of this moment we haven't told him about the 2 months. I asked to see what he knows.

Dad: dahil meron na sa lungs. ayoko na lang pag-usapan.

But of course, who are we to fool him. He should know, he's not a lung specialist for nothing.

the human heart

oh the human heart
it grieves as it feels the pain
it wishes not to be deceived
by the momentary oblivion of the pain
that even heightens the grief
as soon as it is awaken.
it pierces right through and through
as it hits you with much strength,
you accept it with so much weakness.
yet it won't bless you with death,
but only so close to it.

oh how your heart wishes to rest
with a naive life
you don't feel you'll be gifted
with the death that you so long for.

upon hearing

Lord, to sit beside my father, it's as if I could get a glimpse of heaven. Oh how it pains me to slowly bid him goodbye, but at the same time, how it makes me happy to know he'll be home soon.

flowers grew on my paper.

while i was waiting for the right answers for some physics problems to come out, flowers grew on my paper and i couldn't see my solutions anymore. the right answers never showed up.

Laws of (e)Motion: Lecture 1

To be able to understand what physics really is, you must know it by heart :D
- Meg. Karen. Shobe

turtles!

perfect minutes. they go by so quickly that you'd hardly have the time to relish them. they stay for a while, and then in a little later, it's gone. you can only have it in your happy thought box, and you're lucky enough if you don't forget to remember. because sometimes, the moment's just too perfect and too quick that you hardly have the time to keep it in your happy thought box. it passes by like a red beetle but all too sudden your attention gets caught by another. sometimes it stays a little longer like the beautiful compositon of the sky, and the clouds, together with the last kiss of the sun. but just like any other fleeting moment, one blow of the wind is all it takes for one cloud to change position, one minute is all it takes before everything you've seen for a moment vanishes into nothingness and be succumbed by the grayness of the sky. it goes with the ticking of the clock, never missing a beat like the beat of my heart when decaffeinated. it goes with the running of the clock, never missing a turn like my world that never missed a turn when you're not around.

these perfect minutes were not meant to last so long… because if they were, then they wouldn't be so perfect anymore. they'd be like the ordnary moments that pass just to fill the gap.

------------

"I envied turtles their shells, how they could disappear at will."
- Sue Monk Kidd in "The Secret Life of Bees"

little dots.

round about
the circles on my pad
the little dots that made a line
the little points that made a statement.

where are you going?
turn your back and feel the wind.
the arrow points to the west
so I'm dragging my feet to go up north.

sa kabila.

Kulturang sabungan. Bahagi na nga talaga sa kultura natin ang sabungan, kung saan pinaglalaban ang dalawang manok, pinagpupustahan at nagiging dahilan pa ng ilang hidwaan. Ilang manok na ang pilit na pinaglalaban, binubuhay nang paulit-ulit hangga't kaya pang ipaglaban ang mga ito. May ilang umabot na ng ilang dekada at hanggang ngayon ay pilit pa ring pinaglalaban.

Ikinatutuwa natin ang mga labanang ito. Ikinatutuwa natin kapag nananalo ang manok natin, at umuuwing luhaan ang mga nasa kabila. Ang simpleng labanan na nagmumula sa munting katuwaan lang, pinagmumulan na ng matinding away. Matindi ang labanan ng mga manok na ito, matindi pa sa labanan ng oposisyon at gobyerno. Dahil sa mga labanang ito, bibihira kang makakita ng mga balimbing. Dahil sa mga labanang ito, hindi mo madaling mabibili ang paninindigan ng mga lumalaban.

Sa labanang agila vs. indiyan pana, kanino ka kakampi? asul o berde? katipunan o taft? Kahit ang mga taong walang koneksyon sa kahit anong panig, pumapanig na rin at nakikisama sa paghiyaw ng "Win or Lose! it's the school we choose!" o 'di kaya sa sigaw na "animo!"

Kapuso ka ba o kapamilya? Ka-Q o kabarkada?

Mahilig nga talaga tayo sa sabong. kanino ka, Christine Reyes o Carlene? 0_O

----
nagkaroon kami ng kaibigan ko ng isang magandang usapan. pumasok ang usaping kapuso. (haha kapuso kasi ako). at ang tatay niya ay isang tunay na kapuso at nagtatrabaho doon. kung kaya't natanong ko:

ako: so 'yung serbisyong totoo, totoo ba talaga?
marti: oo. pati 'yung wish ko lang, wish ko lang 'yun.
----

post card 2: Dear you

Hello there! I think I saw you on my way home. You were in another jeepney. How was your ride? I hope you weren't put to much danger as the girl seated in front of me was. You see my friend, on my last jeepney ride, for the nth time, I witnessed another jeepney-style pickpocket scheme. All the signs that showed he wanted to steal from that girl was there.

1 He constantly looked at her bag (probably trying to see how he could open or slash the bag)
2 He moved closer to the girl (even if there was a big space on his other side)
3 He had a bag to cover his arm
4 He positioned his bag in a manner that no one could see any activity going on with the girl's bag and his hand
5 He was restless and would constantly look around
6 His right arm (the one nearest the girl) held on the bar above, while his left arm was behind the bag.
7 His head rested on his raised arm (as if sleeping)
8 He had that pangit suspicious look

And the girl showed all the signs that she was an easy target for pickpockets

1 Her hands were not guarding her bag
2 She wasn't mindful of who she was seated beside with
3 She wasn't mindful of what that ugly guy was doing for his preparation
4 She was not mindful of any activity going on inside the jeepney
5 She was not mindful of my eye-language, telling her about the guy beside her
6 Oh! all because she was asleep.

The whole time I was just praying, asking the Holy Spirit, Our Lady and my favorite saint, St. Josemaria Escriva to stop the guy from doing whatever evil deed he wanted to do. I was praying that she'd wake up and realize she needed to be attentive of her things. The girl would occasionally wake up, but then she'd comfortably get back to her sleep. I was getting frustrated, that I prayed that she dream about what was actually happening around her. But to no avail. The moment I saw the guy's hand behind his bag, I panicked. He knew that I knew, but he did not care and thought I wouldn't care enough to stop him from doing that. But I won't deny that I came to a point when I wanted to ignore what was about to happen, and hoped the girl didn't have anything valuable in her bag. But then the line from the 8 Beatitudes came to my mind: "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness..." and it prompted me to wake the girl up with my wet umbrella. Yes, I opened my automatic umbrella in front of them.
1. to shock the guy
2. to sprinkle water on the girl's face so she'd wake up
3. to somehow dry my wet umbrella.

haha kidding. but that would have been a better choice. but no... I just poked her knee using my wet umbrella. She woke up and looked at me in a weird way "do i know you?". I pointed at the man's bag, she looked at her side and saw his hand. Then she was fully conscious and guarded her bag. Yeah I was such a poofer to that guy. Well after a little while, the guy went off the jeepney without even paying his ride.

There's no magic trick in pickpocketing. All you need to know to avoid this from happening to you is to be aware of where your seat mates' hands are. (And that means you're not supposed to sleep while in a jeepney.) Well my friend, you might have been fortunate enough not to have experienced this, but there'd be no harm if you try to be careful about these things. Let's show these ugly pickpockets that we cannot simply be outsmarted.

Till next time my friend!

Love,
me.

depolarize

depolarization in progress.

"I ran and found a Brickel bush.
I hid myself away.
I got brickels in my britches
But I stayed there anyway."
-Dr. Seuss

.

simply...

cubed!

i solved the rubik's cube! with the help of some formulas, of course.
oh but I'll do my best to understand that rubik's cube by heart.
*heart heart*

wit.

as in wit lang, ah. weh. okay.

Newscaster: Bumuhos nang bahagya ang ambon.

I'm not sure if what she said was too much of an emphasis or was it too much of a contradiction.

*while looking for friends in Trinoma*

Karen: So sa'n tayo?
Kyle: I don't know, up?
Karen: sure?
Kyle: Yeah, I guess. When in doubt just go up.
Karen: why?
Kyle: I don't know, 'cause it's closer to heaven?

hahaha i love that.

*Balls of Fury!*
haha i love the movie.

Feng: ... The game of Ping Pong, or what the Chinese like to call... Ping Pong.

haha i love the poofer humor of the movie.


*more witty lines*

Karen: sana payagan ka na ni Dad magdrive ng car namin.
Kyle: Hindi pa umaabot sa ganun 'yung level of trust niya sa 'kin.
Karen: oo nga, eh.
Kyle: although kanina, i was able to drive... his wheelchair.

hahaha!

guai le!

doodle no. 5

Real Love Revolution

What the world needs now is love, sweet love.

There's so much love to spread in this world, but the world always seems to be lacking in love. In reality, we never really lacked in love. You look everywhere and you'd see so much people in love, so many people yearning for love, and so many people refusing to admit they're waiting for love ---- hoping for that one fateful day when they'd finally set their eyes on that one true love.

But there's also so much love wasted because of our lack of rationality and selfishness. Love that is unique among human beings, among rational beings, shows that this rationality has got so much to do with the love we are all capable of giving. Without this rationality, then it's simply a seed that moves you to feel in love, when what we need is love deeply rooted that grows in greater love and is ready to share its fruits.

It's not a question of following your heart or your mind, but simply a question of your willingness to take responsibilities, willingness to embrace the consequences, and willingness to share more love. In a nutshell, to love is to know, and simply to will to love.

Join the revolution and celebrate real love!
November 22, 2007 | 3-6pm
@ Le Pavilion Metropolitan Park, Roxas Blvd.
Php100.oo fee.

bear talk

*while watching bears from animal planet*

karen: yung milk ba ng bear brand galing sa bear?
kyle: hahaha. kakasabi lang sa tv na 'yung mga cubs nga halos hindi makakuha ng milk from their mother bear, kukuhanan pa natin.

*haha okay sorry na.

kyle: anu-ano bang mga cartoon shows ang may bear?
karen/kyle: winnie the pooh, care bears, yogi bear... paddington bear
kyle: ay alam mo yung william wish wellingtons?
karen: oo, bakit bear ba 'yun?
kyle: hindi.

yun eh. sabaw.

out of nowhere...
kyle: ah! ang cute ni paddington bear! *nostalgic* oo naalala ko na si paddington bear! cute! ang liit-liit *hand demonstration*. 'yung may marmalade sandwich!

haha okay kyle. cute na.

i still think paddington bear is not cute. such a boring bear... kyle argues he's more manly than winnie the pooh, but then they both have no underpants. he has a hat, okay. but then he's a boring bear with no bouncing friends like tigger or... yeah, other gay friends like piglet.

exhibit no.17: bend

i trust it's just a bend in the road
where i have no idea what lies ahead
but i go forth
knowing there is no way but this

behind the confusion and doubts
i will for nothing more but to love You most ardently.

post card 1: dear mr. beaver

i hope this postcard reaches you in time
and hope no ogre steals it
should it get lost along the way
don't worry a bit
for i asked the wind to whisper to you
these very same words i wrote
...

i spent a day just watching
the rest of the world go by
i dilly dallied, skipping and humming
but now i'm here beneath the blue tree
where the birds are in hiding
and the wind is singing a hymn of peace

i'll leave this mustard seed behind
and hope we find it again someday
i'll ask the birds to watch over it
and the tree to hide it from mr.rabbit
it is buried safely in the burrows
as it waits for a decade of tomorrow

surely the tree will age
and the birds would have left by then
but it will never be lost
and it will never whither.
as it watches the changing season
as it waits patiently for us

as it grows deeper
in thought, will and understanding
it will only be rooted
in a steadfast love
that wills to wait
that wills to see that distant tomorrow

until then,
i'll let the mustard seed grow
into the loveliest tree it can be
with welcoming arms
and shaded love
with all the sunshine it could take

until then
mister musty awaits
for our coming back.

-------
from one end to another
it has traveled to impart a message
to witness the shared tears and joy
but after such a moment
everything is put behind
where the past is just the past
where tomorrow is waiting to be opened
until another missive is sent



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Now playing: Josh Verdes - Save Me
via FoxyTunes

it's been a semester.

my dad's home!

he'd been in the hospital for a semester, and i'm hoping he wouldn't have to go back the next semester. wow. whoever said miracles don't happen? my dad's home... i'm still a bit ecstatic about it. i missed him a lot. i remember during those nights when i get frustrated with schoolwork, i'd look around the house, and feel more depressed with how gloomy it looked without my mom and dad around. oh but they're home! and there's just so many people to be thankful for...

doctors, nurses, aids, family, classmates, friends, more friends, much much more friends, and of course your prayers.

The Lord said, when praying, one must be persistent and humble. i know we did... i prayed for my dad's life, and He did give him life. And it wasn't just the life he's breathing right now, but a life for his soul to breathe. Much has changed in my dad, and i could never have imagined him being this spiritual. He acts much like a child now, like one of the children of God. And though his body shows how much he aged for the past months, his eyes show otherwise, much more his outlook in life. His health may have withered, but his spiritual life progressed that sometimes i can't help but feel so much of God's presence in him. and with a spiritual life to hold on, he would have to struggle more to keep his interior life.

I'm still so proud of my dad. after having gone through so much pain and struggle in the hospital, after feeling like a pin cushion for the 5 injections a day, he would have to face much struggle with his spiritual life. the battle isn't over yet, instead it has just begun.

and i pray for the soul of his liver donor...how one fateful accident, turned out to be God's saving grace for my dad.


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Now playing: Jack Johnson - Upside Down
via FoxyTunes

exhibit no.16: distant future

and i will be waiting
for that distant future

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Now playing: Daphne Loves Derby - Cue The Sun!
via FoxyTunes

in the meantime... :)

More than sweet carnations

No te amo como si fueras rosa de sal, topacio
o flecha de claveles que propagan el fuego:
te amo como se aman ciertas cosas oscuras,
secretamente, entre la sombra y el alma.

Te amo como la planta que no florece y lleva
dentro de sí, escondida, la luz de aquellas flores,
y gracias a tu amor vive oscuro en mi cuerpo
el apretado aroma que ascendió de la tierra.

Te amo sin saber cómo, ni cuándo, ni de dónde,
te amo directamente sin problemas ni orgullo:
así te amo porque no sé amar de otra manera,

sino así de este modo en que no soy ni eres,
tan cerca que tu mano sobre mi pecho es mía,
tan cerca que se cierran tus ojos con mi sueño.

Sonnet XVII of Pablo Neruda

Exhibit #15: Leaving

are we really looking for love and respect?

on fashion.
Women actually control the world. if you don't want men looking at you with lust, then wear something respectable. Remember that you present yourself the way you want to be treated. So if you're going about wearing very short shorts, showing off your bra strap with a backless shirt, then it's not hard to tell what and who you're trying to attract.
Why cover your lap with your bag, when you're riding the jeepney, wearing super mini skirt, and knowing you're a little over than chubby? There's such a thing as pair of pants, or at least knee-length shorts/skirt, you know. that way you wouldn't have to use your bag, you wouldn't have to be too conscious, you wouldn't attract unnecessary stares --- nothing, but respect.
Sometimes our vanity gets the better of us. There's nothing wrong with wanting to look good in front of people. Beauty is truth, and reflecting beauty which each of us has, is just the same as proclaiming truth. Nothing wrong with wanting to be beautiful, so long as it doesn't sacrifice respect, so long as it doesn't cause others to look at you with lust.
Don't be a fashion victim.
and don't enslave yourself with fashion, let fashion work for you.

on love.
Women still control the world on love. Physiologically, women think more rationally than men do, and it is for this very reason that women are not easily driven by their bodily senses. And again, it is for this reason that women could actually say "no" more than men could.
*but for the men: that's not an excuse for you to easily go with your senses, because even so, you have brains, you have your minds. so act like you have one.
For the hopeless romantics: nothing wrong with wanting to be loved, but nothing wrong either with giving yourself a little respect, a little dignity. Don't just do whatever he asks from you, because once again, you control however you want to be treated.

Women are smart, but it's such a big disappointment to see those who forget they are.

women empowerment? i don't see any other way to ask from men that we be respected, than to show them ourselves that we are worthy of respect, that we are humans with dignity. There is indeed a need of change from men, but more so from women.

it's been a while

it rained so hard, and softened the land that was almost forgotten. the little ones scurried off trying to find a safe shelter for the time being. where were they during those days? we wouldn't know, because we were all caught up with our own sphere, with our own personal space.

i followed a raindrop fall down the glass window as it joined the rest of the raindrops. i wonder... was it like coming home as it joined the rest? home, as it went back to the land it came from? or was it a suicide it took as it left all the comfort and happiness from up above? we wouldn't know, because we were all caught up with our own dealings, dealings that we say are greater than anyone else's.. responsibilities that we claim are bigger than anyone else's.

so much thoughts have passed, and so much sentiments have been ignored. i'm typing this entry with a lot of thoughts in mind---so much that it throbs faster than my heart is. well it always has.

the river.
yes the river, where is it?
i turned my back
to breathe for a while
and when i'm about to go back
i can't see it anymore.

i found a seashell full of memories --- memories i don't recognize, memories that were once owned and cherished. it allowed me to see a part of the past, but i could not piece together the images flashed before me. they were not mine... no, they could not be. i have my own seashell... one that looked-- exactly like this. it had two holes on one end... much like this one. but these are not my memories, not even a single image is mine. its owner must feel so miserable to have lost his. if only it had the owner's name, i'd be happy to ride off from my raft and find my way to him.

oh, the memories? well, they were happy memories. genuine happiness that it almost made me cry. but there was one image that showed so much sadness. he was crying... i wanted to know why. i wanted to see another image that explained why, since all the rest were happy memories. who did this to you? i asked as i watched him cry. and it was even worse on my part to see him cry but could not do anything; for every image is part of the past, every image is part of someone else's memories---cherished memories. and then the next image was another of the happy times, but i could not take my mind off from the moment he was crying. it was so true...his sadness. from his smiles and laughter, it didn't seem like he was capable of crying to that extent. it did not seem like there'd ever be a moment that would make him cry. and i constantly ask why as i flip through the images. but none of them answered my question. i flipped and flipped the images, more laughter, more of those happy moments. and then i saw myself. what am i doing here? i was just seated quietly. and that was all the image could show. confused? so much.

i closed the images and stared at the seashell. i turned the seashell, as i wondered where could the owner be? ---my name. that's my name. i saw my name carved at one end of the seashell. my hands grew numb, my eyes started welling with tears, as the seashell slipped from my hand to my foot. and the images? what were the images about? the images flashed back to my mind... much like metamemories. the images started to come together as one, with the image of myself seated quietly in the middle of everything... and i looked at that image carefully, it was me, holding a seashell. a seashell? yeah. much like the one i held minutes ago. and then a new image appeared---it was me... with the seashell on my foot.

i closed my eyes for a moment, a moment i thought was long enough to take me to my next scene. but when i opened my eyes again, the images were gone, but the seashell was on my hand again. there's just one question in my mind... where is he?

doodle no. 4

exhibit # 14: temptation

doodle no. 3

gotten nothing for (it's just a cycle)

there is magic in the now
there is passion and grief behind every passing minute

we forget what is left behind
we regret what is forgotten

and no matter what new meaning we create
of what was forgotten and erased

we can never escape the reality of the past
we can never forego that thread of reality.

as we hurriedly walk to tomorrow
it is rushing to be part of the past

and we ask, what are we hurrying for?
what are we running after?

is it the nearness of tomorrow
to our forgotten past?

or is it the newness of tomorrow
as it so seems...

we live to forget
and yet we forget to live

this sense of being
can it ever come to reality?

greatest blessing

just a week ago, my dad was diagnosed with liver cancer. That explains why weeks before he was admitted to the hospital, he's been feeling really really week to the point that he's home already by 5pm when he's usually not yet home until 1am. that explains why weeks before he was admitted he's been inviting us to pray the rosary. that explains why one day when he picked me up in school, he heard mass while waiting for me. but it was only a day before he got admitted to the hospital was i able to understand the complications of his condition. i never thought of the possibility that he'll stop working altogether because of his condition. i didnt know it was to the extent of liver cancer, even if he's been telling us it could be liver cancer. he just didn't seem like he's capable of having cancer... after all he's an oncologist, a specialist in cancer --- oxymorons of life.

whenever i get sick and have pains from dysmenorrhea, it's his hand that i hold on to find comfort, more than from the pain reliever he gives me. and when i got sick years before, one week of vomitting every intake of food, he'd hold my hand and wait for me to fall asleep. he was more than a doctor... he was a miracle worker, because with just his hand, he could take my mind off the pain and walk me to my happy thought place. whenever i feel down with acad stress, he never really gave words of encouragement, but i find so much assurance and confidence from the truthfulness of whatever he'd say. he's always been the strong figure i look up to. and it was so distressing to see him trying to cover up his weakness and almost losing hope. to see him lean forward on the table whenever he felt nauseated. doctors are not supposed to do that... dads don't do that. they're strong.. always. or so i thought.. but even to this point that he's sick and weak, he has not stopped giving me that strength i need. i'd still hold his hand and find so much comfort and assurance from him. i'd still hold his hand that's always been bigger and warmer than mine, saying he's never going to leave us even if he moves on to the next life. my dad... is still a dad afterall.

Only a week has passed since this life-changing event happened to us. and i've never felt God's presence more than i feel it now. His love has never left us, and it's even more present now that we're going through this. for years now, i've been praying for Him to bring my dad closer to Him, and my dad's never been closer to Him than he is now. And I've never seen my family love each other so much this way before. I think our family has reached the most materialistic period of our life, and with this event, God has brought us back to the ground, allowing us to see one of the most important things one can have in life... a family that's filled with love --- with God's love. Once again, we are reminded of the temporariness of life. We are reminded of Who really owns our life, and to Whom we should be living our life for. Once again, we are reminded of the greatness of time that can leave us altogether if we are not fast enough to run at the same pace... allowing us to see that if we're too slow, we'd end up having so much regrets of not being able to say what we wanted to say, regrets of not being able to do what we wanted to do. time slaps us as if to say we've been dilly dallying all the time, always waiting for a moment that it's almost, if not already too late to say and show we love this person we always take for granted. to hug and kiss this person we almost always ignore since we see him around most of the time. it makes me realize how physical presence is not enough, and how the mere presence of love is more than enough than being there physically. indeed, everything is in Good Hands.

now, my dad's disposition has never been better. i see him smiling a lot, and laughing from time to time. of course he never fails to remind us always of the next important things in life, such us... never leave the lights on if no one's using, take off the power cord if the equipment's not in use, to keep in mind our budget expenses, and of course, to take care always, especially if we're commuting.

my dad's still admitted in the hospital, but he's been seeing his patients already, his new colleagues as my brother would say. he gave a chemotherapy for one of his patients two days ago, did his rounds yesterday, accomplished a prescription and test requests for one patient a while ago. whew. my dad cannot be stopped from working for as long as he can.

dr. montevirgen would greatly appreciate your prayers, even if it just meant mentioning his name in your prayers.

i love you, dad. it's such a great honor to be able to call you dad.


----
when i told him he can't leave yet because he has to wait for me to finish my med studies, he said, "bakit, nu'ng nag med ba 'ko, may pera ba 'ko?" --- he never uttered words of encouragement, but mere truth.

hope

no matter how pessimistic we get, there's always hope. and what's good about hope is it can never be weighed in percentages, because even if we say there's just 1% of hope, sometimes that meager chance wins the battle and there'd be no point questioning it anymore but simply be thankful for it.

no matter how we say we're just being realistic, miracles do happen. and we cannot belittle these miracles, because they happen every second in every corner of this world. sometimes we become too scientific that we look for empirical data before we believe in anything, and sometimes we take for granted the miraculous factor behind the scientific occurrences of this world. Each baby that's born is a miracle --- our mere existence is a miracle. Much of this life's natural occurrences depend on miracles, because even if we know so much, we still don't know everything. And in the reality of this world, there's no place for superstitions, but wholly on supernatural events --- because behind every natural and unnatural event of this world, is the supernatural logic that governs it. The world is actually governed by miracles, that's why miracles do not just happen, but it is a reality. And if we're being realistic, then we have to believe in miracles.

there -- a miracle just occurred while you were reading this.

without warning

no you're not welcome here -- at least not yet. even if things were not as pleasing as they were, i don't want you coming around as if you were someone of importance. i will not yield to what you want because you're not supposed to be around yet.. no, not yet. and no, you don't scare me.. if that's what you're after. ...you don't scare me at all ... at least i hope i'm not.

hello world.

i'm getting off as soon as i can
from this rocky boat.
i'm running as far as my feet can get me to
and i'm never coming back
never looking back
moving on and moving forward
to my nowhere
to my never-ending chase
so leave me now
or i'll leave you forever.

blurry sky.
rain on me as you will
so the drops of water can keep me cold
as it calms me down to my numbness.

hello world.
i'll be back soon.

paralyzed.

where's my peanut butter and jelly sandwich?

empty bottle

i float above myself
and i see my world below
even at the blurred distant
everything is clear to me
for it was a mere emptiness
where no distinction lies

she called upon me
but couldn't bring myself back together
i was leaving myself
as i was running after myself,
just as i always did
--- i ran.

in our world that can never collide
there is emptiness and completeness
but i stand just where nothing is everything
and everything is nothing
--- so much confusion and delusion
in this life detached from my own.

doodle no.2

home.

doodle no.1

Lord, that i may decrease as You increase.

just what the world needs.

When i heard the 12-noon mass a while ago, there were two adorable 3-year old kids in the church. They were strangers to each other but in the middle of the mass, they started talking to each other, playing together, and soon, becoming friends. The girl, seated in front of the boy, would sometimes lie down so she could talk to the boy through the open back of the pew. They were distracted from listening attentively to the mass, but who could blame them? they wouldn't understand the mass, anyway. The boy had a toy matchbox car that he was playing with, while the girl had a nokia 3310 which she imagined to be a car, too. Well they were not completely distracted from the mass, because when it was the consecration of the Holy Eucharist and they had to kneel, the girl was kneeling down with both her arms stretched out as if wanting to hug Our Lord. The boy wasn't kneeling down because he'd be too short if he did, and both his hands were open as if waiting for Our Lord to give him candies. The girl would look back to check on the boy and would tell him in whisper to kneel down. And the boy indeed knelt down. At the end of the mass, they had to say goodbye to each other and part ways. They did not cry nor looked sad when they said goodbye. They just seemed happy to have met each other and to have spent that time playing, talking and praying together. :)

just what the world needs. when we look at kids like them we are reminded about the simplicity of life. How they find joy in the simplest of things and among the most important things in life --- friendship, playing (studying/working for us a little older than toddlers), and God. When you look at their eyes you see evidently the shine in their eyes --- the shine that shows their being innocent and the purity of their hearts.

Whenever i see such eyes, i can't help but pray for their souls. Pray to their guardian angels to take good care of them, and pray to God that their souls be blessed and graced that they may grow to be good and loving people --- just what the world needs.

[but of course my being distracted from the mass for watching the kids is not an excuse]

published at last.

i've gone past the exit
and i didn't miss it this time
i look back once in a while
but couldn't see past through the bend

i could never get a clear picture of the past
but the blurred memories are all i need
to be smiling of nostalgia
to feel relieved and be thankful

*sigh*
for the long journey i've been through
*hold my breath*
for the long journey ahead

Thank You, Lord, for guiding me through, and for keeping Your promise to never let me let go.

---

smile people! it's a beautiful day to love and be loved :) today, try to smile at the people who are usually taken for granted. have you thought of one yet? yay!

---

happy birthday, dino! :)
[ikaw 'yung sa "usually taken for granted" ko. hahaha joke lang. half-truth pala 'yun :p]

patches

Life's a big puzzle. Each of us, like a puzzle piece, can only fit perfectly in a single place.

in the middle of the dark alley,
i called upon a sweet stranger
he looked back and smiled.
'hello stranger,' i said
it took a while before his smile wore off
oh but his pleasing eyes
you could never forget.
it put me in a daze
i couldn't get myself in perfect consciousness
it was real, and yet felt so surreal.
'why am i here?' i asked myself.
'why are you here?', i asked him
he gave me a downcast look
as if hurt by my question.
perturbed by what happened
i couldn't look at him directly
my heart was beating fast
as i try to look for the right response
but no words came
until i just found myself walking back
leaving the dark alley behind
leaving my sweet stranger alone.
'till our next rendezvous,
i'll be waiting patiently.

Dear Stranger,

i write to you for no significant reason, but just to let a few things off my mind. It wouldn't make much sense to you, but then i'd rather you hear me out, anyways.

the days went by like it has no time to let me think through the day and yet went by as if i had all the time for breathing. they were unfathomable days that i could hardly remember how i got to this day. when i woke up earlier this morning, the sun was unusually orange-r than its usual sweet shade of pale yellow. and i don't know what this means to me, but i'd rather share it anyway because i deem it has an importance in this life-changing days i'm going through.

i looked through a misty glass, and saw the lights in a blur. they were beautiful. it was their beauty hidden in their blinding light.

there's nothing to understand here. just some random thoughts i couldn't quite give meaning to.

always,

grimace

tapestry

each of us is a thread or a patch of cloth sewn as part of the tapestry of God's plan. each choice we make creates a stitch or a patch which we can never undo, but on the way, we are given more choices, to make ammends to whatever wrong decision we made in the past. and if in the next choice we choose what is willed by God, then whatever mistake we did in the past, shouldn't matter anymore. after all, what's past is past. And here, we see again the greatness of God, with how He makes these mistakes a part of a beautiful tapestry.

—–
umihip na naman ang hangin
tungo sa direksyong hindi ko masundan
at habang ang ibon ay humuhuni
ang kaligiran ay nanahimik.

at sa pagtigil sa paglalakad
ipinikit ang mga mata
hinayaang maiwanan ng hangin
upang marinig kung sa'n nanggagaling ang huni ng ibon.

bakit gayon na lamang
ang pagkailap ng ibong nanagpis?
narito ako ngunit walang saysay
dahil hindi niya pansin ang aking paghahanap

napalingon sa pinanggalingan
nagtaka, 'bakit nga ba ako naparito?'
panandaliang nakalimutan ang mga nangyari
ilang segundo lang ang nakalipas

natatawa habang ako'y pabalik
sa direksyong pinanggalingan.
dahil sa ang ibong sinundan at hinanap
ay walang kamalayan sa aking katauhan

umihip na naman ang hangin
tungo sa direksyong nilisan ko
tila binubulong sa akin
ang limot na kasiyahan.

——
i believe poems have a life of their own. like a dream, sometimes it comes to your consciousness before you could create a meaning for it.

atat.

bakit nga ba atat tayong mga Pilipino sa mga "unang araw"?

Ngayong araw nagbukas ang Triangle North Mall (Trinoma), ang panibagong mall na magdadagdag kasikipan sa trapiko ng EDSA at North Avenue. Karibal nga ba ito ng SM North at The Block ni Henry Sy? Sa katotohanan, hindi. Dahil bukod sa maghihiraman lang naman sila ng mga parokyano, kasama naman kasi sa may-ari ng mall na ito si Henry Sy. Ganun na nga.

Pero bakit nga ba tayo atat sa unang araw? Hindi naman kasi tatakbo ang Trinoma pero bakit kelangan dumugin ito sa unang araw? Hindi pa bukas ang ibang tindahan at nagmistulang dry run lang ng mga tindahang bukas na. Sa madaling salita, hindi mo makukuha ang magandang serbisyo na makukuha mo kung sanay na sila sa ginagawa nila.

So pa'no ko nalaman? andun kasi ako kanina, unang araw ng pagbubukas. haha. atat din pala.

morning kisses.

i am here. i exist.
i feel. and i think.
thoughts just keep flowing to my mind
blood surges and is pumped, one beat after another
i could never feel more alive than this
when every inch of my senses is awake
when i can hardly close my eyes and miss anything.
you become part of my system
that i can no longer imagine
my life without you.

as my heart weakens because of you,
so does my day get wasted without you.
my heart beats as if there's no more tomorrow
my heart rushes as if it's chased by death
but as you leave, my heart is not rested
but restless and beats as if searching
searching for what makes it feel alive
waiting for what brings the glimmer to my eyes.
watchful of the moment to be alive again.

when my day has started without you,
it's as if all my senses search for you.
even from a distance
i could sense your presence.
and sometimes disillusioned,
i think and want to think you are here somewhere
and yet all i can do is wait and see
if we will ever cross paths within the day.

and is it not mortifying
to just get on with the day
without a single thought of you?
and is it not insane
to end the day
without having at least a glimpse
or having to smell your scent
carried by the wind that makes me feel envious
of how she embraces you in the morning
and keeps you afloat till night

thank you for keeping me sane
with your warmth
my heart is kept undefiled
with your coldness
my mind is kept intact.
when in pain and tension
my senses are numbed
to the extent that everything is unknown to my senses
except the warm familiarity of your presence.
even as your whole being
is fatal to mine
i am more than willing
to push my limits with you

even with my last days
i shall choose to be in caffeinated blood
as i smell your bittersweet scent
as my lips kiss the brim of your cup
and finally
to have the taste of that mysteriously awakening
caffeine
coffee
my espresso.

--blackened by life's experiences
brewed by the pain life has brought
decaffeinated - just so i feel your presence
in coldness
and in warmth
sipped or strawed
you are most awaited
to lighten up my day
to bring me to existence once again.

i love coffee.

---

i'm so sleepy, i could eat a horse.

comic strip no. 7

Calvin and Hobbesby Bill Watterson

for even fairies dream

magic wand-wishy swoosh
magic dust-pitter patter
she blew her last dust with a kiss of good night

she enters her dream
where she hears nothing else
but the beating of her heart
where she seeks no one else
but the giver of the rose she holds

for even fairies dream
but of a world where there's no magic dust
no magic wand to tweak the ending
just the heart to lead the way
and the meeting of the searching souls

another still night

when everything is calm and still
while the moon is kept from a distance
the leaves fall down
flutter*flutter
from the coldness of the breeze
to the warmth of the ground
---
the unleaving of a tree.

comic strip no. 6

Calvin and HobbesBy Bill Watterson

Trivial Love

I have long been afraid of love. I feared it because I deem myself to be more of a thinker rather than a feeler. And I have always associated love with emotions. And I admit with all honesty that I cannot deal well with my emotions. Sometimes I feel something, and I go berserk trying to find out why I feel it. I can only understand the happy, sappy and sad feeling, other than that, it will be a mystery to me. In short, when I feel, I always ask why I feel it. I have to understand, in order for me to know if I should shun that feeling, or not. I have to know what it is so my mind knows what to do about it. And yes as I associate love as a feeling and an emotion, I distanced myself from it trying not to think about it at this point of my life --- until I got to know Him.

<>If God is Love, and God is Good, then love must be good. So why fear it? I realized it wasn’t love that I feared; it was the trivial love that our society has disillusioned us with, saying it is indeed Love. But what is this trivial love? You just watch the television, and you see that trivial love, commercialized through love teams, endorsed through commercials and promoted by the big networks because it is what sells to the market. (We can sometimes ask, is it really what sells to the market, or is it what they impose for the market to buy? But this is another issue.) So how do we really say it is trivial love? Love life, love team, emyoo (M.U.), girlet, boylet, chick, ssdlkaf (i couldn’t even type the word) s..w…e…e…t…i…e.. asdkfa (and another one) b…a…b…e…s --- all these, and a lot more, are the words created, invented, and defined with new meaning for that trivial love that almost every one goes gaga over with. <>

Have you ever caught yourself in a reunion with friends, and they ask you, “Kamusta ka na?” when what they really want to hear from you is how are you doing with your love life? It’s the most interesting topic for them, or worse, it’s the only interesting topic for them. And is this the only thing that goes around the world? I mean, yeah, love makes the world go round, but hey, this trivial love? It doesn’t make the world go round. I’d say it makes the commercial industry go round, expanding it even more to that trivialized sex, rather, profaned sex.

But what exactly is this trivial love? Trivial love is a feeling, and feeling alone. It is when you don’t know the person yet, and you say you’re in love with him. It is when you just met the person the other day, and now your hands are locked together as if it won’t ever be apart. Trivial love is what we see in fairy tales and movies where one is swept away by the euphoric feeling one gets. Trivial love is when one let’s herself be swept away by the sweet feeling it gives. Trivial love is based on feelings alone, and only that. When the feeling goes away, they break apart. They’d say they have fallen out of love, but I say, no you did not fall out of love, because in the first place, it wasn’t love at all, but just a feeling you thought was love. Yes, trivial love is rather deceiving, because it gives the same emotions a true love might give; infatuation as others might call it.

<>Why am I so against trivial love? Because it is not a mere illusion, but a distortion of Love. It has degraded love to merely a feeling, when it is not. This trivial love has caused us not to see the more important things in our lives. Is it true love, if it makes us forget about the people in need of our charity? Is it true love, if it makes us forget about our family? Is it true love, if it makes us forget Him, who is Love? To love and forget about Him who is Love is a big contradiction, if I may say.

The society has created a lot of trivialities. So far, the triviality on love has been a big hit, because we have let ourselves be deceived by this. We let ourselves be carried away by our whims and emotions, forgetting about the true essence of love. And when ask, what is love for you? If for you love means red roses, sweet text messages, the “g’nyt. mwah”, or the morning calls you get, anything and everything that gives you the feeling of love, then you might want to think again. Look back and ask yourself, how well do I know this person? How well does this person know me? To know the person is to know the person’s deepest thoughts, to know the person’s behavior, mannerisms and all, and more importantly, to know the person is to see the intimate goodness in him that will make you fall in love with the person again and again for the rest of your life. After all, when you two get old, what you see externally right now will no longer be what you see when that time comes. As the song goes, "will you still love me tomorrow?" If yes, then you must be a person contented, not just a happy person, but a person contented. (Contentment is true happiness; it lasts longer than that fleeting happiness.)

comic strip no. 5

Calvin and HobbesBy Bill Watterson

deceiving laziness

and because i made all the reason to extend my not leaving the house, thus the previous entry, i rushed my way again to where i was supposed to go. tsk tsk. morning rush is such a shush. (haha corny. just wanted it to rhyme even if it didn't make any sense.) so yeah. i guess there was a pretty good reason for me to feel lazy this morning. i knew that it was gonna be a very very tiring day, and indeed it was.

But the laziness was just a deception, because today turned out to be a very happy day. it's the kind of day when God's love is just overflowing that you try to find people to share that love with. indeed, the day's opportunities were just perfect to do so. If only i could show you their clueless faces. they had no idea what was going on, why all of a sudden they're getting a spaghetti from people they don't know. it was priceless.

i remember mariel, one of the first kids we visited. she was about to get discharged from the hospital. her dad told us how she wanted a spaghetti as soon as they leave the hospital. wow. she must have been a good kid all the time that's why her fairy granted her one before she even left the hospital. Sheena, the cabbage patch-looking baby, was all cheery that she'd smile and laugh every time you call her attention. but she'd go teary-eyed when the camera was focused on her. but the most unforgettable for me was our interaction with the people "behind the scene". I would always associate a hospital with people such as the doctor, nurses, and patients. would you have thought of the people in the linen and laundry area? my friend did. and it was just heartwarming that she did. we gave them spaghetti as well.

These people, since it was an unexpected visit by not so remarkable people in their lives, they always ask, "why do this? what for?". And the answer? "well, why not?" i guess it's a subtle way of saying, "well, you've been a good worker, and i think you deserve more than what we're giving, but please, do accept it, anyway."

i think the best way to share that love is to think of the most taken for granted people, and see how you can put a smile on their faces. :) really it's all about making others happy, and it's already sharing love. most of the time we are held back by our pride and we back out at the thought of how awkward it is to do what we're about to do. and we just opt to let the opportunity pass thinking there'd be more to come. but what if it never comes? would you have regret it? would you have made your own opportunity?

so much to be happy about. so many people to bring happiness to. so many ways to make the world a happier place to live in. let's not be grumpy these humid days, please? smile. :)

(an exhale of a smiling person is cooler than a person with a grumpy face. but ironically, it's a good way of warming people's hearts.)

lazy day.

Dear Lord,
the day is just full-packed, and it's just the perfect timing to feel this lazy. i woke up early, was able to cook spaghetti, i was all giddy and excited to do the things i'll do today, and now i'm just so lazy to do them. i saw my bed, saw how the sun outside is not so bright - perfect lighting. the day is just so perfect for me to sleep all day, and maybe read my book once in a while. oh it's just the perfect day to sit back and relax.

yes, i know. i'm just being stubborn. i'll go anyway and see how i can make this day a perfect day to offer up to You. i love You, Lord.

Amen.

still night

It was too bright that the stars couldn't shine through the night,
but the sand was all glittered as if the stars went down to rest.
holding the sand, it was as if you held the whole universe in your hand
but they were merely reflection of the beauty of reality beyond our imagination.

comic strip no. 4

Calvin and HobbesBy Bill Watterson

100th. :)

In my 100th entry, i wish to share the talk that the priest, Fr. Ted Santiago, gave a while ago.

Tomorrow will be the start of the most Holy week throughout the year. And tomorrow as your knees shake and tremble, listening to the very long gospel, I'd like you to consider two statements: "Hail the King of Jerusalem!" and "Crucify him!". Two contrasting statements spoken by the same crowd for the same person. In the passion of Christ, we see a lot of contrasting ideas, like when the crowd laid down clothing for Jesus to step on, they were the same crowd who stripped His clothing off for crucifixion. The crowd welcomed Him to Jerusalem, but had Him crucified after 5 days.

See how fickleminded they were, how they changed their minds in a matter of 5 days. Most of the time we become like the crowd, being fickleminded and inconsistent. How we've prayed so hard during the finals week, and become lax again with our spiritual life come this summer. How we fail to fulfill our resolutions because of our little excuses, most of the time giving in to our love for comfort.

As you listen to the gospel, there may be times when you feel outraged because of certain characters in the story. But reflecting on how they behaved, we can sometimes see ourselves in them. As mentioned, we are like the crowd because of our inconsistencies. Aside from that, we are like Pilate, having no strong conviction of our own, just letting the crowd sway us to wherever they lead us. We are like Judas, who was blinded by 30 pieces of silver when we give in to our own temptations, be it big or little. We are like Peter when we deny His existence and resolve to our own capacity. We are like the rest of the apostles when we lose faith in Him, mostly when we give in to our fears and imaginations. We are like the Pharisees when we claim we follow His way, but fail to see Him in other people, mostly in the people we dislike, or the people who annoy us. If we examine our daily behavior, one way or another, we become like one of them. and yet we continue to be such, thinking we are apart from how they acted, thinking we know better. And while we do know better because presented before us is the established Truth, they, in the middle of confusion because of certain paradigm shifts they had to do, we see ourselves acting no different from how they acted.

From the same story, we could find other characters from whom we find inspiration. The people who we could hopefully emulate not just for the Holy Week, but for the whole of our life. We draw inspiration from Simeon of Cyrene, as we unite our own sacrifices with the Holy Sacrifice of Jesus Christ. From Mary Magdalene, as we repent from our own sinfulness. From one of the thief, who believed and trusted. From our Lady, who was not around during the great miracles of Christ, except the one at the wedding feast in cana, but was with Jesus all throughout His suffering and humiliation. Mary who, after the apostles left and hid, stayed with Christ at the foot of the Cross.

He is the King who was crowned with thorns, and had the crucifix as His throne. All these He accepted with such great humility. And yet we, receiving so little suffering compared to His, refuse them as if we were of royalties to be served.

But more than just looking back at the account of our Lord's passion and death, is for us to reflect on our own relationship with Him. How much have we included Him in our lives? How much have we reflected His existence to other people? and more importantly, how much have we loved in His name?

We may reflect and reflect for all we want. Refuse all the comfort in the world during this Holy week as much as we want to, but all these can be outdone by that one act of love we share to people --- an act of love that holds no other meaning but pure Love.

99 Red Balloons

i shall miss you :)

welcome, summer! :) i missed you a lot. so what do you have for me? huh? summer classes? you have got to be kidding me! i just finished printing the last page of my last requirement for this semester! and you tell me i'm off to my summer classes? wow. you give me two weeks of vacation before summer classes, and 2 more weeks after? hmm. okay. i guess that will do. just promise to make it the longest weeks of my life. let the minutes pass as slow as possible. 1 month of rest for the 5 months of stress and no sleep and what-have-you. (had i known i will no longer sleep at this point of my life, i would have slept during my nap time when i was a kid; when my mom used to coerce me to sleep. gee.) these summer classes have got to be the fun classes you promised me. :| Fil40? err. doesn't sound fun. PI 100? oh great. How do we make it a summer we'll never forget? we study. :D okay let's just drop the act.

why not make this summer be more for the others, and less for ourselves? It's time to keep up with the people we lost contact with over the stressful schooldays. You might want to greet your brother a belated happy birthday for his birthday that has passed by without you giving it much importance. it's never too late for that Happy Birthday Hug! or you might want to say Hi now to your parents whom you've ignored for the past months and only got to talk with when you get your allowance. "Hi parents! it's summer! can i please still have allowance over the break?" haha yeah. tight-pocket-days. Or you might want to look for beneficiaries of your overflowing savings over the past months (*raises hand* pick me! pick me!)

But if you have so much time this summer, why not spend it with kids! teach them good time management, or the importance of sleep and rest. teach them how to write a research paper. teach them bio. teach them survival101 for month-long stress. haha the things you learned over your stressful days. but really, why not join an organization that allows you to teach kids, or just to spend time with them. Kythe could be one - an organization that visits children confined in the hospital. they play, read stories, or just simply be with them. Or you may try visiting any orphanage, home for the aged, or my house so we could clean up my room. haha!

seriously. to think more of the others and less of ourselves? no need to think beyond the people at home. It could be your mom, or your helpers, whom you can spare from work this summer. why not start with your own nook. clean up the piles and piles of readings you never attempted to read, your written report and research papers you crammed the night before, your exam papers you thankfully passed, and your tons and tons of doodle papers for the neverending boredom you had during the semester. And for the months you've put up a grumpyface, why not smile to the kid who's been pestering you over the sem with the ponytail/sampaguita she's selling? why not strike a conversation with a stranger asking for help?

let the world know you still exist by being useful this summer. don't let rest steal the perfect moments of your life. let rest be the reason to make this summer worthwhile. rest while you make others happy. this way, your mind is rested, your heart is kept alive, and your soul is one step higher to happiness.

*it's my 99th blog entry*

to do:

[x] hickman: homeostasis
[x] hickman: circulatory
[x] hickman: immunity
[x] hickman: endocrine
[x] hickman: nervous
[x] campbell: chapter 42
[x] campbell: chapter 43
[x] campbell: chapter 44
[x] campbell: chapter 45
[x] campbell: chapter 48
[x] campbell: chapter 49

[x] lab: homework
[x] Lab: powerpoint
[x] lab: plates
[x] lab: zoo book
[x] lab: manual
[x] lab: outline

[x] 115: 13 participants
[x] 115: paper - draft
[X] 115: final paper -- isa na lang! (3-30-07)
[x] 115: ppt for defense
[x] 115: reflection paper
[x] STS: group paper

i can do all these through Him who strengthens me.

edit: ang saya mag "x"

edit uli: bakit parang hindi nadadagdagan 'yung nalalagyan ng x, pero dumadagdag 'yung gagawin. hmm.

***itching to put an "x" mark on the last box.***

Lenten Message

I haven't given the lenten season much thought. Academics have been wallowing up my thoughts to the point that i couldn't get a decent nap. I wake up every 2 minutes just to check my watch if it's time for me to get back to work.

The other night, i just had a nightmare on one of my major classes. good thing it wasn't bio11. i just can't imagine all the toads i killed chasing after me, or worse, doing their own study of science on human specimen, me as their specimen. so the nightmare was on my psych115 class. Nothing scary about the dream... just the fact that it's about 115 urged me to wake up right away. Nightmare? yeah. 'cause i couldn't get myself to wake up. i couldn't move. all i remember saying in my dream was "freak. it's 115." and i see a list of names, probably our sign-up sheet with the fake names we wrote. finally, i got myself to wake up. i looked at the clock, and saw that it was only an hour after i closed my eyes to sleep. *sigh* i got an hour of sleep but had a nightmare as well. :| (please mr.sandman, can i have just one muffin dream, too?)

amidst the traffic of different thoughts on my mind, i managed to pause for a while and put my mind solely on Him. "Hi God, i'm so tired from all these academic stress. Monday to Friday of this week was so monotonous, day-in day-out, i get up in the morning, rush for class, get so sleepy in my class that i'm only able to understand the last 15 minutes of the class, run to my next class, or sleep during my break, then classes end, and so we start our experiment. The only real rest i get is when i'm about to hear Your word during the mass. but after which, i will have to braise myself up to that tiresome trip going home."

Yes, i've been full of rants these days. i couldn't get myself to shut up and just embrace willingly one sacrifice for the day. It's just ironic that this lenten season, i've been full of myself. i haven't done much self-denial for the past weeks. and while i should be practicing even more the virtue of humility, i let myself succumb to that bitter aftertaste of pride. (to my groupmate: right from the start, i know you know how much i don't like the way you work. but even then, i know i could have chosen not to stress and pressure you this much. i'm sorry.)

i know that every single rant that i have is of my own fault. the root of it all is my giving in to that love of comfort. everything is pushed aside just so i could "rest" for a while, until i need to dive in the piled stress that i could have worked on one at a time. in short, if only i had better time management.

so for this lenten season, and for the last weeks remaining, i thought of a sacrifice well-suited for me. time management. the sacrifice is not so much on having sleepless nights, but starting on time and ending on time. that struggle to fight the first battle of waking up on time, and wasting not a single second on useless thoughts. no more "wait, 5 minutes pa." no more snooze. right on the dot, it has to be, "Good morning, Lord!" with a sleepy smiling face. :)

and for the rest of my daily annoying things, the best thing to do is to smile it off, and just continue being happy. afterall, lenten season doesn't have to be that gloomy purple we're all used to. It's about being happy for the sacrifices we're doing in union with His sacrifices. It's no use to deny yourself of all the comfort in the world, and yet you do it out of ritual/tradition. every sacrifice you make has to be done out of love, your love for Him, and for Him alone.

Lent is also a season of sharing and giving. so this lent, why not share a hand and make at least 5 people happy :) the more the merrier!

count up starts now! Happy sharing! :)

Zzzz...

ice cream day.

it was a tiring day. MTh is usually just my bio day, but this day was more than just a bio day. okay, so here's the bio part. we dissected a live toad. :|

"croak. kokak. kroak. cokac. kroack. crack. crap. kokak." - mr.toad

translation: "you don't know how it feels to wake up from sedation and you see people skinning you, cutting your abdominal muscles, tickling your heart and liver, accidentally popping your lungs, and twisting your limbs just to get you pinned down, all for the name of science!? cut that crap! kokak." - mr.toad

geez. sorry mr.toad. i would have been more willing to pith you, double-pith, even, just so to end your torments, but the professor wanted you alive while going through the process. poor toad. he was so small and skinny! he had a really small heart that pumped as hard as it could just so to make it through. was he hoping to get his muscles back, or his skin, even? was he squirming because it hurt? or was he squirming because he feels naked? questions i won't ever find the right answers to. shux. sorry mr. toad, we were only taught how to dissect but not to make a surgery, complete with stitches and all.

after that we had our psych experiment. *sigh* i couldn't elaborate it more than a tired sigh.

after what i thought was the end of my tiring day, my dad called and said he could fetch me. yey. spared from that get on-and-off bumpy ride (a.k.a. jeepney fares) oh but he had me help him with the files he wanted to get photocopied in the shopping center. i could not understand a thing from the papers i was handling. they were all terms and numbers. the only thing i could understand were the dates. tsk tsk. i would never want to handle BIR papers in my life. a total of 3-inch thick photocopies. ack. (no wonder we're losing our trees!)

and since i was physically and mentally exhausted at that point, to complete the stressful day, i had to experience a little of emotional stress to top the day with that awful cherry. if i remember it right, i wrote in one of my recent entries that i'm on a break from any unnecessary thinking. yeah. i'm on-leave. i guess they forgot. just so you know, in case you read this, (no not you, the other one. yeah, you. - sige kayong dalawa) it may always seem i'm being indifferent from everything that's happening... but i see no other way to help you but be like this. so it's not entirely about being indifferent, but caring in a way you might not understand right now --- but i'm hoping you will someday. until that happens, i'll be keeping you in my prayers.

but of course, it was a day for the Lord. the exhaustion and stress, they're all offered for special intentions. which makes this day an even more blessed one, because i had more opportunities to offer up my intentions.

yes it was an awful cherry, and probably on the wrong cone,too, but it was such a sweet vanilla in between. amidst the tiring day were several moments i could add to my happy thoughts. :) i saw my brother today. i might have looked stupid shouting "kuya!" from the third floor, not even mentioning his name, and yet he looked and knew he was the kuya being called. as soon as he saw me, i ran my way to him just to say hello. he was with a common friend (hi kenneth!) and caught them in the middle of their so-called debate.

herbert: karen, hindi raw tayo magkamukha.
karen: ha? magkamukha kaya kami. twins kami niyan, eh.
herbert: magkamukha kami 'pag nakaganto kami. *nagpalaki ng mata*
karen: oo magkamukha kami 'pag naka "gulat-look" kami.

the perks of my brother. haay. when the time comes that i really really really miss you, i'm gonna get my camera from you, borrow your laptop the next day, give you my camera the next day, then borrow laptop again the next day, then the camera the next day, laptop, camera, laptop, camera, laptop, camera... and so on... yeah. every excuse i could get just to see you. *elk* (hahaha i hope you don't get to read this! you're not supposed to be reading my blog, anyway! hah! but then again, if you are, then you must be missing me that much, too :P)

it was sweet enough to have that moment, but i just had to have that green tea-flavored ice cream (fic) beneath the vanilla scoop. before the mass started, i got to chat with two of the many kids selling sampaguita and panali around the up church area. it was embarassing for me to find out that the other one was a girl, too. all along i thought she was a he! until i heard her say her name - joy ann. such sweet kids. i have high hopes for them. they're still studying and are selling those stuff just so they have allowance for the next day. imagine to be working for your daily allowance and only get to buy inadequate food when you get to school. tsk tsk. oh! and it was even heartwarming to know that the other girl would once in a while go to confession to fr. jboy. we could really learn a lot from these kids. (they told me they were being banned from staying around the church and selling sampaguita. the SSB, super security ng bayan / social security brigade, would scold them off if they're caught selling to people. i don't think that's the right thing to do. :| - anyway this should be on another entry)

the white chocolate chip scattered on top of the ice cream really made a good finishing. And the day officially became a day to remember with the rest of the good and happy moments that happened today. thank you for the good people who cared enough to listen. who made little effort but was able to shift my mood from annoyed/tired to "hahaha-that-was-funny-mood". just a teaspoon of good laughs and a cup of "hey, i'm here" was all my exhaustion needed for it to disappear.

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happiness is hidden in the most unexpected places you go to, and with the most unexpected people you meet.