Fail

(late post)

6 reasons why today's a failure:

1) i slept earlier than scheduled, and woke up later than scheduled. I had to rush to do my postlab, pre-lab and compilation of 135 paper. 

2) i didn't get to finish my morning cup of coffee

3) i only had a bite of beef tapa for breakfast

4) i was late for chem, that i missed our quiz

5) experiment in chem lab was a series of failed results, but the rest were relatively okay results.

6) i left my lab manual at home, and had to ask my mom to bring it to me.

but i declare that today's a HAPPY FAILURE DAY. :D

1) i finished my pre-lab, postlab and 135 paper. even if at the expense of missing my quiz, it didn't feel too bothersome.

2) i'm still as giddy even if i barely drank half of my coffee.

3) i didn't feel too hungry even if it was just a bite from beef tapa

4) i missed a quiz which i would have gotten zero had i taken it.

5) i enjoyed chem experiment despite the bloopers and failed results.

6) my mom was half-angry when she handed my lab manual, but i was smiling the whole time and kissed her goodbye and thanks on her cheeks. she could not react to how giddy i was.

in the end it was tiring but a happy day. :)

cloud9 monster munch rocks! 

I'm a living virus.

I've been assessing my days recently, trying to see if i'm happy that day. It's like by the end of the day i'd be evaluating it through my happ-yo-meter --- nothing really complicated, it's just a matter of asking myself, am I happy today? if so, why? if not, why? It's as simple as that. I guess the complicated part is trying to find out why i'm not happy, when i'm not.  Well, it's stress-free being phlegmatic, but this is me being in my true melancholic nature. 

so am i happy today? Heaven yeah! simple things have been making me happy recently, even the aversive stimuli are making me happy --- well, not directly. but for some reason, i'm able to find a way to be happy despite those aversive stimuli. i always thought i'm optimistic, but to be able to make a complete turn around despite adverse circumstances, it feels like a novel experience.

So anyway, since i don't know how to describe any further what makes today a happy day, i thought of giving out few conversational lines that i had today. 

with Pia Garcia:

Pia: Hi Karen! How's life?

Karen: Rocking \m/ :)

background: my laptop's not with me, because it's for repair. I've been using my dad's laptop, and sometimes, my brother's (like i'm doing now).

Karen: Kuya, may virus yung USB ko. Nag-iba yung name ng usb ko from "Karen" to "Anti-Virus". (yeah i know it sounds mocking)

Herbert: oh talaga?

**went down to use dad's laptop**

(after a few minutes)

Karen: Kuya, may virus nga talaga yung USB ko. Biglang namatay yung laptop.

Herbert: Ha? nako, kakareformat lang niyan, eh.

Karen: Pwede pahiram ng usb mo?

**went down to use kuya's USB in dad's laptop, then back to him**

Karen: Kuya, pwede pagamit ng laptop? mag-eemail lang ako.

Herbert: *attaching the usb he lent me to his laptop* o, may virus.

Karen: onga, kasi diba galing yan sa laptop ni dad? eh may virus nga yung USB ko dba?

Herbert: Ah, so nilagay mo nga yung USB mo sa laptop ni dad?

Karen: oo. hehe!

*he got off his seat to give way*

I sat down, then...

*blag,shake,blag*

Karen: *looked at kuya right away*

Herbert: *looking at me*

Karen: oops. :D

Herbert: Sisirain mo naman yung laptop at USB ko, eh. Karen, you're a living virus.

Well, my hand just accidentally hit his usb that was attached to the laptop, lifting the laptop a bit. Basta, ganun. The point was, i'm a living virus. I like the way he phrased it. I know he loves me. and it's his odd way of making me feel loved. :)

How's life? Life's rocking good! :p

Memories in Music

I miss playing the piano. When I was a kid, i hated my piano lessons just as how any kid disrupted from playing would feel. My piano teacher would come by Saturday afternoon when all the kids in my street would be out playing. I remember I'd go out earlier than usual so I would have more time to play, but the thing is, all the rest of my playmates were not yet around. In school, I was not in a regular music class. I would leave the class when it's Music already and I'd go to the music center to have my piano lessons. I never took my piano lessons seriously. I was too lazy to practice my scales, and was always in a hurry when I'm practicing my pieces. I'd go on a recital all dressed up, but without really giving it much thought until I'm about to go up the stage already. I hated recitals, and how I'd have to bow to the audience every after piece, and how I needed to practice the raising of my arms before and after a piece. 

...but my dad among the audience would always look pleased when I'm on stage playing the piano. I'd make a lot of mistakes in my playing, but he wouldn't know because he doesn't play the piano, and he'd still be so proud of me. He was salways happy to see and hear me play the piano. My dad is my biggest fan as a pianist, in fact, he's my only fan.

When my dad was still around, and everytime he's not at work, he'd be watching news on TV, always eager to know what's happening around the world. No one likes to watch with him because we don't really enjoy watching BBC, CNN, nor FoxNews (well in the latter part I enjoyed watching FoxNews with him). It's seldom that we get to persuade him to watch other channels such as HBO, and other movie channels. Most often than not, he sleeps as he watches, but he wakes up at the slightest change of channel. Watching TV was his way of resting from working the whole week, getting an average of 3 hours of sleep everyday. This is why his weekends are always precious to him. Well, I must say, no one gets to disturb him when he's watching/sleeping. But I know how... 

I'd play the piano, and he would turn off the TV, and would listen to whatever I play. He'd lie on the couch, close his eyes, and just listen. At times when he does not fall asleep from listening, you'd hear him clap every after I play. He's always happy when I get to play the piano, even if it's a melancholic piece I played. 

My dad has always wanted to play the piano. About 3 years ago, he asked me to teach him to play the piano. And i thought it would be hard to teach him at this point because his hands weren't as flexible as it should be. But he was insistent, and for the sake of giving him that sense of fulfillment, I agreed to give him short classes. It was timely that at that time, he had a patient who's a piano teacher, and he would ask that patient things about reading the notes, finger movements, etc. One time, he asked me to draw the keyboard out of illustration board so he could bring it to the hospital and be able to practice finger movements there. haha it was funny, because at times he'd go home and proudly tell me he's learned the finger movements of an octave already. At times he'd ask me to stop studying for a while so I could give him piano lessons. Well, his piano lesson had to end as he got busier at work, but I'm proud he's able to play even just the do-re-mi.

I'm pretty sure you still listen everytime I play the piano. And I'm more pressured to do well, because by now you probably know when I make mistakes. For all i know, you could be playing the piano from where you are. Do they have piano there, Dad? 'cause if they do, maybe now's the perfect time for you to learn playing the piano. :) 

As for me, I'm learning new pieces for you to listen to.. I hope you like them. :)

happy-yo

fleeting sense
senseless flights

wide awake
with caffeine hype

happy-yo
happy-yay

how are you?
howdie ye?

---------------

i just know something significant happened today. but the lack of sleep i've been having for the past weeks is getting its toll on me. My memory seems to be lost in transit, as I try to push some thoughts behind, and as i put my mind to a better focus.

i'm thinking, i'm thinking.

you know how it feels when you get home, and you don't exactly feel well-rested, but you just feel accomplished. it's not exactly a sigh of relief for having gone through the day, but more on a breath of gratitude for something significant that happened today. I can't seem to put my finger on it, but I know something really good happened today.

ahh! i think i'm getting a better grasp of it. Significant, yes, but probably not to all. Today was a day of sticking to decisions. Today was a day of finding the energy to pull beyond my old self. Today meant I could actually go beyond? Today was an ordinary day, turned... well it was still ordinary. Put simply, today meant hope and it becoming reality.

either that, or... it was just the tipsy-sleepy feeling i've had the whole day. :))

Thoughts of Missing.

A friend asked me, what do I do when I miss you. I said, i tell you, "Dad, I miss you." and that's just about how I feel at present. I miss you, Dad! I have not gone to your garden in a while, but even so, I'd be missing you just the same.

I just had my chem exam last Saturday, and to whom do I better talk about such things if not with you. For some reason, that geekiness in us brought a lot of bonding moments between us. I remember when you were still at the hospital, and we were both answering my physics exam, we were trying to see where I went wrong. You've forgotten most of the concepts, but you knew well the right questions to ask. golly, you were always that smart. You told me that for the most part, I know what I'm doing, but that my carelessness leads me to committing a lot of mistakes. I don't think I'd ever forget that, but I hope it gets into my consciousness to really shake that carelessness off me.

And then, what else? I had a tutorial session a while ago. Goodness, Dad! It was utterly exhausting! There were only three of us to give the review to 3 sections. We were all not used to teaching both girls and boys at the same time, and it was simply a riot. Ahh... patience is indeed a virtue.

Lastly, I was at your workplace last Friday. We had a benefit concert held there for DMMC, the foundation that gives music therapy for children with autism and other disabilities. It went great! I really thought at start that it was going to be a flop project. I'd like to think your presence somehow urged others to support the event. When I had to sell raffle tickets for a project, you were most willing to buy all the tickets from me. When I had to handle a Christmas Party for the kids, you were most willing to shoulder our expenses. You were always that supportive to my projects. And well, your support has never stopped, but was even strengthened because you're near Him.

Finding myself still doing this, I feel like your old little girl --- how I try to make you proud, and how it makes me happy everytime I'm able to make you happy. I hope to see you smile at me, and see in your eyes that you're proud of me. And i hope to see it someday... someday.

Everyday is a new beginning, Dad. Sometimes it feels like a deja vu, because sometimes it's as if I'm faced with the same struggles every time, but then, realizations kick in, resolutions surface and I find myself pushing more and more to effect the change that's always needed --- always aiming to go beyond (mostly beyond my comforts and beyond my selfishness).

How about you, Dad? How's it been there?

insomnia

musing

The Litte Ordinary Things

Today marks the beginning of the Ordinary Time in the liturgical calendar. This does not really make any difference, except that it's a change of season from Christmas season to a non-Christmas season. It was an exceptionally happy Christmas season this recently, and somehow it makes me think if ending the Christmas season formally would make it a less happy experience for me. But then, it could always be a happy ordinary time. :)

No more Christmas wrappers, no more Christmas carols, and no more Christmas lights. The streets are almost as bare as before the season started, and you find things to be back to normal as before. No more giddy feeling as I anticipate the nearing Christmas Eve, but just the coming of the ordinary 12:00 in the midnight --- noticing it just because I'm staying up late again for the night.

So, how has my Ordinary Time been so far? Not really fantastic, but exceptionally happy as well. I am simply happy at the start of this new season. Nothing to anticipate this season, but the ordinariness of everyday. And sometimes, out of the ordinariness, reasons to be happy stand out better, and they make more significant impact to me.

Little things have made me happy these days. Little things such as being able to attend a recollection in the midst of a stressful week. Little things such as efficient groupmates with whom I struggle with to accomplish whatever needs to get done. Little things I find out about my friends, that it makes me happy because there are still people living such practice or virtue.

Even if these days were going by faster than it should, requirements after requirements, I am experiencing a different tranquility knowing that omnia in bonum, as long as I do my best in each of these tasks at hand. The year has started with several disappointing circumstances, but to these and other undesired events do i attribute my great appreciation of the little things.

*keeping peace within*

happy day to you! :)

"I'm Happy"

As much as i want to make this a discourse on discovering happiness, prolonging the discussion would only poof the happiness out, ergo defeating the purpose of this entry.

A friend just told me "I'm happy". She's happy! And it's her birthday today. It was very heartwarming to know she's happy, genuinely happy despite what's lacking on the day of her birthday.

And this is what I realized: when it's real and pure happiness, it overflows and it reaches to people around us --- that when it's real, no perkiness is needed to show it off, because it radiates naturally and it makes other people happy as well.

I'm glad i was around. Her happiness somehow rubbed off to me, and i feel happy as well.

A happy birthday it is! Oooh, I hope I'd be as happy on my birthday :)