good mourning

I have never mourned in my life, until my dad gave me a reason to do so. Being the unemotional person that i am, i didn't know how exactly to face such experiences, but even so, this heart knows after all, what it means to grieve.

Before my dad admitted himself to the hospital, he briefed us about his illness, and right then and there i understood what his condition implicated. He was so sure of his nearing death, but the slightest hope he got was enough for him to fight for life, enough for him to still hope for a better life. He went on with his days hoping, but at the same time preparing for his Meeting with the Lord. He prepared like a diligent student would prepare for an examination. He showed no sign of cramming, because the Good Lord has given him enough time to prepare for this; the whole of his lifetime and the few months left to review his final paper. I must say, indeed he was very blessed with the amount of time given to him.

And what about us he's left behind? We tried preparing with him as he was doing his own preparation. I have accepted everything and the fact that he was going to die soon, but even with much expectation and anticipation, death still comes like a sudden gust of the wind. Even with much acceptance of his fate, I still find myself hoping I'd wake up and realize this is just a bad dream, but then, every arrow points to reality, leaving me no choice but to accept everything as it is.

Had I known back then that this was bound to happen, would i have acted differently towards him? Sometimes i try to imagine, if during those times we spent together i already knew he was going to die this soon, what i would have done, and what i would have told him. I always had the notion he was going to die old, helping in rearing his grandchildren and already resting from a lifetime of work. But God had a better plan than the blueprint i had in mind.

It wasn't long before I got used to talking with him in my prayers. This made me feel that he's still very much alive, but in a different dimension; in a much better place. It was much easier now to come to him in times of struggle. I still find myself saying "Daddy o, si kuya..." of course, i don't hear him reprimanding him, but then his presence is enough to console me. I asked for his guidance as i was answering my NMAT (national medical admission test). I strongly felt his existence, and how he too couldn't answer the 2nd part of the test. And I assured him, he will never be forgotten, not ever in my life.

Like the sudden gust of the wind, death passes by quickly, but the world would never stop for whoever journeys on to the next life, not even for such a great life lived on earth. Life simply goes on, and whoever wishes to go with life, must keep up with its fast-paced movement. It's not that life leaves no time for mourning, but that mourning is but an expression of a much valued love, and of missing a person whom I won't be seeing after a long long while --- but that in life, it's actually possible to mourn while moving on with this nonchalant life.

good mourning, it is.