wala ako dito.

tired.

to be in that euphoric oblivion.

haha!

i should be dead by now!

i've gone past my 18 years of existence - the predicted year of my death. so i guess i have yet to see the most beautiful thing on earth, to meet the most wonderful person alive, to love as much as God allows me to, to say the right words to a person in need, to meet more friends, to learn about the most interesting fact or thought on earth, to be in the most wonderful place, to see the most unusual creature on earth, to feel the most painful feeling at the same time that most glorious experience with Him. I am yet to be touched by the life of that inspiring person, to be loved by my family, to have more happy thoughts, to be saved by Him every minute of my life, to be the person He wants me to be...

and the list goes on...

Thank You, Lord, for the gift of life. Through Your eyes, i've seen so much. So much enlightenment about reality, the most painful and the most fulfilling. and for all those, i will forever be thankful. You have given me so much, while i give back so little... You have not stopped loving me, even for the thousand times that i get tired struggling for you. i have so much complains while you only give the most encouraging words. I've been stubborn, i've always been one, and yet on my birthday, i ask for more patience from You. You know how much i try to give, as much as I can, the things You ask of me, and yet how much i make excuses not to do them. On my birthday, i ask, still, for that strength that i may carry on Your will for me. And on my birthday, i ask so much from you again, just like in any other ordinary day.

You have made this day a special day for me, but i haven't thought of making it something special for you. But i sure don't want it to end just like most of my lazy days... this day is for You, Lord. and hopefully, the years to come...my whole life.

i ask from You what i always ask for...be with me, always. as i end this letter for you, i hope to continue my life of prayer.

amen.

uncertain.

It's always a question of 'how do You want me to go about with my life?'. There is always that uncertainty with my actions, Lord, but i trust in what you will for me. Sometimes what you want is out of my expectations, but Lord, grant me please to have that courage to do it with much willingness.

through You, and for You.

oh.

it's been a while.
my mind really needs rest from all the thinking. so in a couple of weeks it's signing off from any sort of thinking.

DELETED.

kumakaripas na naman ang oras

hayaan mo na lang.*

let the world spin as fast as it wants
but i'll be right here
where the sky is as vast as the oceans above.
i will swim with the stars
and twinkle with the fish.
as my world goes topsy turvy
tippity.
tipsy.
tip.

i wonder
if the starfish will let me wish on her...

senseless thoughts
thoughtless thoughts
bound to nothingness.

my hands are full
of so much emptiness
it's not as easy to carry around
but i'll be just fine.
more than just fine.

where was i?
where am i?
where will i be?

not that it matters
but i'll be where i always am.
in this place where no one has ever seen
in this pretty neat place of chaos
where happiness is just as it is.
just as it should be
happiness which no literature was able to depict.

be with me, will you?
empty my bottle
..filled with sand and dust
of all the places i've been to.
let's fill it up again
with your new magic dust.

*woosh*
----

lumalalim na ang gabi
na parang dagat na lumalamon
sa'king mga paa.
hindi naman kinakailangan
gayong mga kamay ko na
ang umaabot.

saan tayo tutungo?
pakilala mo ako sa mga bituin
na pakiwari mo'y maganda
ngunit puno ng pagkukunwari

marunong ka ba lumangoy?
ako hindi.
pero kaya ko..

mauuna na 'ko.
hindi na kita mahihintay
dahil marami pang kailangan puntahan
marami pang kailangan malaman
wala ng oras

mahaba pa ang gabi
pero paano kung hindi na dumating ang araw?
hanapin mo pa kaya 'to?
gayong nasa ilalim ka na ng kawalan.

saan ka ba pupunta?
..
o sige.


*wag mo nang intindihin.

no, not really.

Beloved Lola Mamang

I call her lola mamang and it was shortly after her death did i realize that it was a bit redundant. That's how my dad call her, mamang, that's why my brothers and i call her lola mamang. hehe grandmother mother. grandma ma. grand mama. yeah she was grand.

How do we say goodbye to someone so dear to us? How do we bid farewell to someone who has inspired us greatly with her whole life? It isn’t easy as it may seem. We try to avoid uttering the very words that show our acceptance of her leaving. And it gets even harder when our memories with her rush back to our consciousness, enkindling in our hearts the happiness we had with her. We recall those very moments we laughed with her, the very moments when her mere presence had uplifted our downtrodden hearts. How she sat beside us on an ordinary day, and yet we remember it today as if it were one of the most extraordinary times we had with her. Oh, how much we want to say thank you to her but just couldn’t know how to say it. How we want to embrace her with much love and gratitude but couldn’t find the right time to do it. How we want to thank her for being the great woman that she is.

<>We recall the thousand times we had misunderstanding with her. The times when we couldn’t quite understand what she wanted to point out, or the times she couldn’t quite accept what we wanted her to understand. Oh, but how she tried to understand us… Much as we want to forget these moments and remain with the happy ones, they’re still part of our memories with her. They’re still part of the thousand reasons why we love her so much. They’re still part of what gives us the great image that we have of her. Regrets come to mind, and yet all we want to do is to say sorry for the times we might have hurt her feelings -- for those times we deliberately did what was against her will.

God gave her the gift of life, to walk upon the grounds of this earth, to laugh with us, to cry for us, to care for us, and most especially to love us. Her whole life, she was oblivious of how much she inspired most of us here, and yet it was where she did excellently. She was a person of integrity and compassion, a loving mother and inspiring teacher. How could anyone who truly loves her overlook her being special? She is indeed that special mother, sister and teacher, but more importantly, a true daughter of God.

When we truly love someone, the hardest part is bidding farewell. So the question still remains unanswered, how do we say goodbye to someone special to us? Maybe this is it, the struggle to say goodbye is what shows how much we love her, and the acceptance and joy with the thought of her being with Our Father, is what truly shows our love for God through her. How do we say goodbye? We never say goodbye, because the thought of her being with Him, is yet another inspiration for us to be with her again when our time comes. No goodbye’s, but “I will see you” would do just fine.

----------

my most vivid memory with her is when i was a kid and she taught me to play with fire. there was no electricity then and we had to use candles. she showed me trick that amazed me then -- she would let her finger pass through the flame of the candle. being the curious and naughty kid that i was, i stopped her hand right when her finger touched the fire and told her "sige nga lola, tagalan mo nga sa apoy." yeah. but she didn't reprimand me, in fact she loved me even more.

to my lola, you will be forever missed. How lovely it must be to be where you are right now. Tell Him i said hi. :)

:)