repost! i got these from my old blog.

A Glimpse of Happiness

It was a glimpse of happiness
a moment of forgetting
a moment of believing
with smiles i thought i'd never have again
and laughter i thought i'd never hear
every second of it will be kept dearly
every bit of it will be remembered
a moment of oblivion
a moment of entrusting

it was a glimpse of happiness
with seemingly endless pain
the consciousness of reality
and blinding light of waking hours
have surreptitiously wounded my senses
and as i bleed taciturnly
my heart is weakened
and strengthened at the same time
the longest pain of waking hours

it was just a glimpse of happiness
a moment of everything
a moment of nothingness
it was bliss
it was pain
it came and left
but i will never regret
never forget.

tara

lilipad ako. pero asa'n ang pakpak ko?
lilipad ako. pero pa'no ba lumipad?
lilipad ako. pero sa'n ako pupunta?
lilipad ako. pero paano pag nahulog ako?

tara.
samahan mo 'ko maghanap ng pakpak,
at lilipad tayo.
tara.
turuan mo 'ko lumipad,
at lilipad tayo.
tara.
punta tayo sa mundong atin lang,
at du'n lilipad ng walang humpay.
tara.
pag nahulog, sabay tayong mahuhulog.
ano, sama ka?
tara na.

unfinished

will it ever be the same again?

salamat sa'yo.

Lord, You know all things, and You know that I love You. There's too much pain right now that i don't know how to go about it. Teach me to embrace this pain with much love, and to trust only what You plan for me. I have nowhere to turn to but to You alone... be with me.

i refuse to.

i refuse to let go of my happy thoughts even if i feel sad at the moment. such feelings can just be so deceiving... but not this happiness. you can give me more reasons to be sad, but that won't take my happiness away. i may lose my smile once in a while, but i'd still be happy anyway.

right... but sometimes, sadness gets the better of me.

happy thought box.

I couldn't get myself to panic, even upon seeing the crime right before my eyes. I was there. Right in front of them. I couldn't understand why i had no intention to hide. I approached them nonchalantly; unaware of what i planned to do. i had the urge to remember as much detail as i could -- the plate number, their faces, and what was going on. And then he caught my eyes. I knew right then that it was too late for me to leave. Nonetheless, i turned my back but with no hurry. I didn't even try to waste my energy thinking of what to do next. all i knew is i had to walk back. not run, but walk. walk with my usual pace, as if nothing happened. what was i thinking?! i'm not really sure. my mind had shut down every noise there was. I could only hear my breathing... until there was complete silence. i counted the time left and said in the last second: "My Father." I was shot at the back. I knew it was coming, and it was what i waited for. It came at the very second I had predicted it would come. I'm sure something might have happened after that. but everything is just so vague. along with my consciousness, i lost my sense of time. i woke up not knowing what to say, not knowing what happened after the incident. but i remember vividly the incident before i lost my consciousness. whatever happened to me in between, it is just beyond rationality that i'm still here. i couldn't speak, i could only see the faces of the people around me. They were there. My brothers, my parents, a couple of my friends, and some of the people i miss. Not one of them could tell me what happened after the incident. But then again, maybe it didn't matter that i understand what was going on.

it was my comfort dream that i couldn't get myself to wake up just this morning. my dream was filled with much of my life's ambiguity, and yet i have as much certainty as to what it explains about my life. no, i don't need Freud to explain them to me. It was clear how it explains my thoughts --- my subconscious thoughts. They're particularly the thoughts that make me smile. Thoughts that are kept in my happy thought box.

if by any chance you catch me smiling for no reason, just smile with me. i may not know the particular reason, but i'm sure it's from my happy thought box :)

exhibit #14: solitude

red light.

Happy New Year!

It’s a bit late for that greeting, but it doesn’t really matter. Another year has passed, and I don’t know how to make the start of the New Year decent. It doesn’t exactly feel like my 2007 has started. But it does feel like I’ve been here before. No new experience, just a bunch of déjà vu. But I’d say the world has indeed completed another revolution. Hurrah.

Will this year be the same as last year? I don’t know. I don’t think I’m ready to face the New Year. How can I, if something’s holding me back? There’s been too much suffocation. I think I need to have another stop and watch my river again. Much as I try to go on with my journey, I couldn’t exactly follow. I couldn’t catch my breath. These past days have been pointless for me. They just went by without me noticing -- without me seeing what I was supposed to see, or experiencing what I was supposed to experience. I numbed my mind again without my consent. Thoughts are not coming out right; they’re all jammed somewhere in my subconscious. And even if they get to my consciousness, some are just wrong. They shouldn’t be there. Tsk. Where have all my good thoughts gone? There’s been too much thinking and now I’m bombarded with emotions that I don’t understand and don’t know how to handle. I feel like I’m playing charades with my emotions, trying to find out why I feel this, or why I’m going through this. *sigh*

I wonder how long this river-watching will take. Anyone for a stop?

Tired. Breathe for me, please.
Thank you.