important nothingness.

ahh. my first entry for the month of november. for some reason, it felt uncomfortable to move on from the month of october. there was something in that month that made me hold on --- to people and things i hold dear in my life. but the world hasn't stopped revolving and rotating, and i have no choice but to move on and get on with life.


have you ever looked in the mirror and saw so much of your flaws? that one moment when you hated yourself so much. vanity? yeah. but in a deeper sense, seeing your flaws within. have you ever tried looking at them from a distance, seeing you have so much to change in yourself? it can be so disappointing yet a blessed experience. as the priest from the retreat put it, it's like a glass of water stricken by a ray of light and you see the particles floating. Such a humbling experience when you finally accept every bit of your flaws, weaknesses and failures.

i asked for that light to see myself clearly, and i would not have recognized myself if i hadn't looked long enough. the things i hated seeing in other people were the very things i saw in myself. and how could i have been so blind and numb as to not see those things? how could i have been so proud as to see myself highly. it was hard to accept them, but it was so much harder to struggle against them. and sometimes i get to the point when i want to give up and just let myself fall in to the pit again. but when i hold on to that blissful moment of seeing that light, even if it means seeing my flaws, i find no other reason not to struggle even more. there is so much hope in Him, that even as i felt i lost the entirety of myself along with my flaws, i felt more at home. it was the feeling of "finally" as i saw myself nothing before Him. i never felt so happy to be this nothing but at the same time to be an important nothingness for being His daughter.

even with a clearer vision, the road is just the same --- still towards His direction, the Truth and the Way. a clearer vision to see more of other people's needs, and less of myself. a clearer vision to see the flaws i should struggle against. a clearer vision to see Him in the people i meet along the way. now that i'm in the middle of the busy world again, i can only inhale deeply, hold my breath for a moment as i ask for stronger faith, and exhale with more certainty of the life i choose to continue.