eulogy for my dad.
Good morning. Please do allow me to be able to have this short time to talk with my dad.
Hi dad, I have a letter for you. i miss you a lot, dad. Out of all the letters i wrote for you, this is probably the hardest one to write. it doesn't feel right to be giving a eulogy this soon, since i still feel your presence... very much alive --- from your pictures, and most especially from what our relatives and your friends tell me about you. anyway, i'm keeping myself strong...
More than a year ago, you asked me to write a eulogy for lola mamang, and now i'm doing a eulogy for you. it feels a bit odd, because now, I don't know how to express all my thoughts in a coherent and organized manner. i was hoping i wouldn't have to do this since i know now you could see right through my heart. *sigh* but the grieving heart somehow needs to let out a few thoughts and emotions, and hopefully by saying these things aloud to you, maybe you'd understand better the cluttered thoughts in my head, and the mixed emotions i have in my heart.
Now, i hope you don't mind having other people hear what i wish to say to you. After all, they're your family and your friends. ('wag ka nang mahiya. hehe! hindi kita ilalaglag) Anyway, have you seen the many people that visited you over the past days? It was overwhelming, daddy. You never told me you have this much of friends... these are people from all walks of life whom you have touched dearly in your own special way -- each has a story to tell of your goodness. I got to meet a few of your classmates from elementary, your high school and college batchmates, and of course your colleagues since med school until present. I also met some of our relatives whom I’ve never seen before, as well as your patients and their families. Every chat i get to have with your friends, i'd always feel elated. It's amazing to see who you are from different angles, and to see your consistent personality of being just yourself --- that introvert, quiet type, but always had something interesting to share. I always thought i knew you better, but hearing from these people, it's like being able to complete a big puzzle of your whole being. I learned so much from them, and they were all affirmation to how i knew you, as if the bits and snippets of what i know about you were little by little connected with each other, forming a bigger picture of you. Dad, i had no idea you were making this much influence on other people. i had no idea that you were making such significant marks to their lives. Because when you see my friends, you'd always tell me, you never had that lot of friends. (Eto ba 'yung sinasabi mong wala kang kaibigan? Eh halos hindi na magkasya yung flowers sa room) I learned a lot from them, daddy. You have such wonderful friends!
I'm not sure if i were able to get this across to you when you were here, but i'm just so proud to be your daughter, so proud that you're my dad. Not because of the tv and radio appearances you had, nor for being the physician of the month before --- these are but surface reasons to be proud of you, but mostly because i know you to be a very principled man. i remember, in one of our short-car-ride-bondings, you told me that there are only two things i should keep in mind. and these are 1. integrity, and 2. punctuality. of course i believed your sincerity when you said these things, but the second one's a bit hard to believe (as some of you may know, my dad is always fashionably late, even to his last events with you, on his wake, he also came late. he was scheduled 7pm, he got here by 8:30pm.) Anyway, it was not hard to believe the first thing you said, because, indeed, you lived a life with integrity. You had that distinct way of seeing things in all fairness, always fighting for righteousness.
I am proud of you because I know you lived a fulfilled life. You worked, not just for the sake of working, but you worked with passion. How you would always say, “Kung gusto mong yumaman, ‘wag kang magdoctor.” You are such a big inspiration to me, dad, your whole life --- from birth until death!
*sigh* How are you doing there daddy? It doesn't feel like you're gone. It's like you just left for a conference abroad, and that soon, very soon, you'll be coming home. You remember the welcome home banners we used to make when we were kids? The ones with oddly drawn airplane, and of you getting off the plane with all the pasalubong for us. Of course i always get the big one, since i'm the favorite. haha.
There's just so much to tell! so many memories to cling to, but so little time to be able to share the whole of it. Just like the life we're given, so many dreams to achieve, as if it's such a long long way to happiness, and yet every year that passes by could not prolong this life as much as we want to. With death, we are always reminded of how short life really is, and yet we would always need such reminder for we often forget.
i love you, dad. i could only close my eyes and remember the happy times we had together. back when we were both younger, back when things seemed simpler than it is now. back when we'd go to Ateneo or UP so we could jog, back when we'd go to your "restaurant of the month" every Sunday, back when you would pick me up so late from school. if only i could pick a time frame and choose to live there longer, i would.
On your last week, when you were breathing so fast, i wanted to tell you, "Dad, slow down... not too soon, please?" i wanted to show you pictures of the past, because then maybe you'd take your time a little slower, because then maybe you'd get the chance to look back, and maybe would wish to stay there longer, too. You were breathing as if to count the days left. And the faster you breathed, the more that I was losing my time with you.
But you went ahead without dilly dallying. Like a true servant of God, you fulfilled His will down to your last breath. While for the rest of us, it was so easy to breathe, at that time, it was the hardest thing to do for you. And yet, like a true servant of God, every breath was offered to God, every struggle and pain you encountered were lifted up to God. Your whole life is a living witness to a life of struggle that we are all called to. My whole life, daddy, I’ve known you to be the big man I look up to, but as you lay your head to rest, you were like a child, a child of God, who slept upon hearing songs of God.
Alam mo, dad, may webcamera sila dito, so the people from abroad could see what's happening in your wake. I bet 'yung signal sa heaven mas maganda... to the point that you could see clearly through our hearts. Could you see the flowers you have here? They’re so beautiful… I bet landscape in heaven is even better. Well you have gone ahead of us, and hopefully there you’d be able to pave the way for us. As you leave your position as Dr. Montevirgen, I will work my way to that position, with passion and with love. I guess it’s time to put up the sign “The Doctor is Out”. You’re home now.
This is my dad's favorite bible passage, and probably favorite church song, too.
As The Deer
As the deer panteth for the water
So my soul longeth after Thee
You alone are my heart's desire
And I long to worship Thee
(Chorus)
You alone are my strength, my shield
To You alone may my spirit yield
You alone are my heart's desire
And I long to worship Thee
You're my friend and You are my brother
Even though You are a king
I love You more than any other
So much more than anything
Chorus
I want You more than gold or silver
Only You can satisfy
You alone are the real joy giver
And the apple of my eye
Chorus
